Film: The Fast and the Furious (2001)

Blu-Ray


Review: A fun, glossy film about a LA cop going undercover within the illegal street racing community to discover who has been hijacking trucks out on the highways. Combined with well-shot drag racing and car stunts, it has a simple but effective script that maintains an entertaining cat-and-mouse relationship between Paul Walker and Vin Diesel's characters.

Quotes:
"It's not how you stand by your car, it's how you race your car."

"I don't have any cash, but I do have the pink slip to my car."
"Wait, you just can't climb in the ring with Ali 'cause you think you box!"
"He knows I can box! So check it out, it's like this: If I lose, winner takes my car, clean and clear. But if I win, I take the cash, and I take the respect."
"Respect?"
"To some people, that's more important."

"I thought if I got in your good graces you might let me keep my car."
"You are in my good graces, but you ain't keepin' your car."

"He's got no call bein' up there, you don't know that fool for shit!"
"Vince there was a time when I didn't know you."
"That was in the third grade!"

"You know, I was thinking we should go out sometime."
"Oh, that's sweet, but I usually don't date my brother's friends."
"Well, that sucks. I guess I'll have to kick his ass then."
"I'd love to see that. Actually, I'd pay to see that."

"Letty grew up just down the street. She was into cars since she was like ten years old. Dom always had her attention. Then she turned sixteen..."
"And she had Dom's attention."
"Yeah, it's funny how that works out."

"I live my life a quarter mile at a time. Nothing else matters: not the mortgage, not the store, not my team and all their bullshit. For those ten seconds or less, I'm free."

"I used to drag here back in high school. That railroad crossing up there is exactly a quarter-mile away from here. On green, I'm going for it."

4 out of 5 Stars

TV: Family Guy - Volume 8 (2009)

DVD: 3 Discs


Review: Favorites are "Stew-Roids" and "We Love You Conrad."

Quotes:
"In order to do this, I must become Superman IV: The Quest for Peace."
"So that's why this movie is called that."

"Picard has it all over Kirk. He's poised and measured. And doesn't wear a cheap rug. Rather, he excepts even baldness with a quiet cool that says, "I am in command. You are safe with me. I will cradle you in my arms through any crisis in any galaxy."
"Are you queer?"
"Probably."

"Welcome to McDonald's. Can I help you?"
"Ah, hailing frequencies open huh? Ah, yeah we're gonna get, uh, two McChicken sandwiches and a Diet coke and... what do you want Michael?"
"A McDLT?"
"No, I already told you they don't make those anymore."
"You know, sometimes it's a regional thing. You could ask."
"No McDonald's anywhere makes a McDLT anymore."

"Dear Lord, please give me the cheat codes from 'Mike Tyson's Punch-Out'. I have been stuck on Bald Bull for four years. I tried Left-Left-Up-B-Dodge-Uppercut, but it still knocks me out. And, you know, they say you're supposed to go Right-B-Up-Dodge-Left-Uppercu... Listen to me, telling you how to play a game."

"I look like a guy who's been hitting the gym!"
"It has nothing to do with the gym, you're on drugs!"
"It doesn't matter how you find the pot of gold, B to the Rian. All that matters is that you beat the leprechauns."
"That doesn't make any sense."
"It doesn't have to make sense when you look like this!"

"I got veins. They carry blood all over my baddy. That's how John Mayer would say it. Baddy. I'm really into him right now. You'd better be okay with it!"

"Ah... it's another pleasant day for me, Peter the Strawberry. Hey, Mr. Worm. I welcome your arrival because we're all part of the same garden. Wait... whadda ya... uh... uh... hey... hey... hey, get outta here! Hey, hey! Aaah! Aaaaahhh! Aaaahhhh! Aaaahhhh! Aaaaahhh!"
"He was my neighbour and he violated me. Now I'll never end up in a fancy pie."

"You fondled me in my sleep?"
"Yep."
"I'm not sure I'm okay with that."
"Well, it's done."

"Oh, God, let's go, quick! Here comes an overweight cat with dollar signs for eyes and a hat that says 'Social Security' pouring a bucket that says 'Alternative Minimum Tax' over a sad Statue of Liberty holding a 'Democracy' umbrella!"
"Yes! Ho Ho, that oughta wake people up!"
"Shut the fuck up."

"Look at all these short, hairy men. I feel like I'm on the forest moon of Endor."
"Didn't you - didn't you make that joke the other day?"
"Oh...yeah. No, I just wasn't sure if everybody had... um... had heard."

"Well, careful Brian. Sometimes the things you love can disappoint you. Like that Playboy issue."
"Ah, here we go. Playboy's Women of the Olympics. Wow, those are some broad shoulders. Okay, I guess small boobs are good for swimming. That...that...those are balls."

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

TV: Family Guy - It's a Trap! (2010)

1 Disc


Review: A good conclusion for Family Guy's parodies of the Star Wars movies. They do a good job with Return of the Jedi, highlighting its best parts and lightly teasing its status as the least favorite of the original trilogy.

Quotes:
"Luke Skywalker has returned to his home planet of Tatooine in order to... Okay, you know what, we don't care. We were thinking of not even doing this one. Fox made us do it. When we did 'Blue Harvest', they said, 'Oh, you guys are crazy.' They tried to talk us out of it, and it ended up making a ton of money. By then we were just finishing 'Empire', and we were absolutely exhausted. But Fox suddenly had dollar signs in their eyes, and they said, 'Seth, if you don't do 'Jedi', we're not gonna let you leave to go direct your movie.'"

"Greetings, exalted one. It's me, Luke Skywalker. I seek an audience with Your Slimness to bargain for Captain Solo's life. As a token of my good will, I present to you a gift, these two droids."
"Wait a minute, does he have the right to give us away? He just stole us from his dead uncle."

"Oh, my God, that was absolute hell! I just... I don't understand why... I mean, we're in a galaxy far, far away, and we still have to change in Atlanta."

"How are we gonna get out of here?"
"Wait a second, guys. I got an idea. Remember that laser I used to break Leia out of Jabba's handcuffs? Well, here comes a little tiny saw!"

"All right, everybody, hands in the air! All right. Now I want you to take off your helmets, go outside and dig up your own graves with them."
"Han, that's kind of dark."
"Shut up! There's enough cutesy crap in this movie. I think we all need this. Now get outside!"

"Give yourself to the dark side, Luke."
"I will not fight you."
"Well, all right. I guess that's no problem. I can always get Seth Green to fight me. He'll do anything for money. I mean, did you see Sex Drive? Oh, of course you didn't. You're a person. Of course, I guess it did respectable foreign numbers. Asians really liked it. And you gotta hand it to Seth Green. I mean, he works hard, you know? I mean, the work is much harder when you know the project is no good. Still, all those small paychecks must add up. I wonder if his fan base knows how Jewish he really is."

"The end. And that's the final chapter in the Star Wars saga."
"What about the prequels?"
"I think the Cleveland Show is gonna do those."

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

TV: Family Guy - Volume 7 (2008-2009)

3 Discs


Review: Episodes, 'The Man with Two Brians' and 'Family Gay', are my favorites from this volume.

Quotes:
"Stewie, why are you nude?"
"Oh, just a little something I do once a week around here called a 'naked tea party'. Got my teacup here and now all I need is a teabag. That something that interest you, my friend?"

"Yeah, just look at all the dumb-ass Manilow fans."
"I mean he's got like one good song."
"Yeah... I mean 'Mandy' is not terrible."
"Yeah, the opening is okay."
"And I guess you can't hate 'Copacabana'."
"Yeah, if you're in the right mood."
"'Daybreak' is a good song."
"Oh, yeah."
"That's a good song. And I like 'Weekend in New England'."
"Yeah, that's a good one. 'Looks Like We Made It'."
"Yeah, it's not bad."
"Right..."
"I love Barry Manilow!!!"
"Oh my god, he's the best!"
"I have everything he's ever recorded!"
"Me too, in my car!"
"We have to go to that concert!"

"Knock-knock."
"Who's there?"
"You're there."
"I'll always be there, Dylan."

"Ugh, you know. This is why you... Brian, remember. For the last couple of weeks, I kept saying 'Can I have a couple of minutes of your time to talk to you about something?' This is what it was about! This evening is rueened!"
"Look, I... Wait, what?"
"This evening is rueened! The whole evening is rueened!"
"Why are you saying it like that?"
"Saying what? I'm just pointing out the party's rueened."
"You know what? I'm not gonna get sucked into this............ Okay, just so that I'm sure. Really? Are you just trying to piss me off or is that really how you say it?"
"What are you talking about? I'm talking about this rueened evening."

"Hey, hey, hey, hey! What are you doing in my room? Don't touch my stuff with your dirty, walking-on-the-street paws!"

"Time machine? I didn't know you had a time machine."
"Yeah, I built it after I got bored with that European See 'n Say."
"The cow goes SHAZOO!"
"It most certainly does not!"

"Hey, New Brian, bad news. You gotta leave."
"What are you talking about? This is my home."
"Nobody likes you here, man."
"Well, I disagree. I think everyone likes me."
"No, we don't! We don't like your cooking, your stupid karaoke nights and we especially don't like the way you hump that chair in the den."
"Well, Rupert seemed to like my humping."
"What did you say?"
"Rupert. I humped him for two hours yesterday. He just laid there and took it."

"What's it called?"
"Susie."
"Wow, a song named after a girl. There aren't a million of those already."
"Name twenty!"
"Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison, Sarah, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From the Block."
"Name six more!"
"Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher."
"Name five more!"
"Tracy, Jean, Jane, Mary Ann, Eleanor Rigby."
"Go fuck yourself!"

"Peter, are you... gay??"
"Guiltyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!"

5 out of 5 Stars

TV: Family Guy - Volume 6 (2007-2008)

DVD: 3 Discs


Review: A collection of 5th and 6th season episodes with the 100th episode where Stewie finally kills Lois.

Quotes:
"What the hell are we doing here? What is this place?"
"Welcome to your first toddler pageant, Stewie. This is what you do in Texas."
"Ah, yes... lovely. A first-class ticket to a semen-covered death in the basement."

"Coming up, a local claims to have spotted Big Foot. We've got the exclusive interview here."
"I was about to bone my girlfriend, but suddenly she yelled. I looked up and it was Big Foot?"
"So what did you do after that?"
"I went back to bone her, but the mosquitoes went crazy and she said there was no way."

"Buttscratcha! Buttscratcha! Get your Buttscratcha here!"
"Buttscratcha!"
"Buttscratcha?"
"Buttscratcha!"

"Something just poked me!"
"It's okay, It's okay. It's just my penis."

"Who ate all the Pecan Sandies?"

"Hey... Chris... have you ever seen the movie 'Cruel Intentions?'"
"No."
"Selma Blair and Sarah Michelle Gellar make out... it's pretty hot. 47 minutes, 16 seconds in."
"No way!"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, you know what another good movie is, 'Career Opportunities' with Jennifer Connelly. I mean, that's one of those movies where... she's... really hot in it... but it's also a good movie."
"She was in 'A Beautiful Mind' and I gotta say the direction was excellent but I was very disappointed that she... uh... wore clothes the entire film."
"Was she hot in it?"
"Yeah, in the way that like classy women with expensive clothing, who never take them off are hot. Ya' know?"
"No."

"Hey, and look on the bright side. Maybe you've got another chapter for your... Ha, Ha, Ha! ...book!"
"Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!"
"Oh yeah, pile it on! Pile it on!"
"Welcome home, asshole!"

"I think it's gay."
"Oh yeah? Well, if I'm gay then Freddie Mercury was gay."
"Freddie Mercury, the lead singer of Queen? He was incredibly gay!"
"He was not. He had a mustache. That's practically like having a wedding band."

"Brian, pick up. Over."
"What?"
"Brian, please say 'Over' when you finish talking. Over."
"What? Over."
"Do you see the wire yet? Over."
"No."
"No... What? Over."
"No... Over."
"Okay, I'm gonna start feeding it through. Over."
"Wait, if you haven't started feeding it, why did you asked me if I can see it?"
"Didn't copy that. Over."
"I said, why you asked me if I can see it if you haven't started feeding it... Over."
"Oh, that's better, I can hear you now. Over. You see it yet? Over."
"You know? You're a jackass. For the record, I don't wanna hang out with you anymore when this is over."
"When this is what, Brian? Over."
"I said, I don't wanna hang out with you anymore when this is over."
"When this is what? You have to finish your sentence. Over."
"That's it! My sentence is over."
"Your sentence is what, Brian? Over."
"My sentence is... Wait a minute, I have to say 'Over' even if the sentence ends with the word 'Over'?"
"Ends with the word what, Brian? Over."

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

TV: Family Guy - Volume 5 (2006-2007)

DVD: 3 Discs (No episodes on 3rd Disc)


Review: Lots of classic moments in this collection.

Quotes:
"Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!"
"WHAT!"
"Hi."

"Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened?"
"I was raped."
"What?"
"Doctor Hartman violated me. He took my innocence."
"W-What?"
"Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age."
"You sound just like him!"

"I am gonna sue that bastard and make him pay out the ass. No ifs, ands or buts. I'm gonna be real anal about this... Sphincter."

"We now return to Showgirls..."
"Yeah!"
"...on TBS."
"Aww."

"Brian, spit on me... Yes, now tell me I'm scum."
"How's that going to help cool you off?"
"Huh?"

"Life's confusing when we grow up, isn't it, Brian? Hey, can we listen to my mix tape?"
"Yeah. Go ahead."
"Brian had sex...
With a really dumb girl...
Now he's taking his friend Stewie...
To get some ice cream...
In his car..."

"I'll be more convincing than Mel Gibson when he apologized to the Jews."
"I'm really, really sorry about your big noses. I'm really sorry about how greedy you are. But most of all I'm really sorry about you dirty, underhanded, backstabbing ways. Your number one dirty Jew fan, Mel Gibson."

"Well, you wanna know what I learned this week? Being a grown-up sucks. Women, Brian, what a royal pain in the ass. It's like, it's like why can't you just hang out with guys, you know, just live with someone of your own sex, just do what you do with women, but with your buddy. You know what, why don't guys just do that?"
"They do. It's called being gay.
"Oh, is that what gay is? Oh, yeah. I could totally get into that."

"You ever just let your balls hang out, B-Ri? You ever do that, B-roni? Drove my Chevy to the levy, but the levy was Bri?"

"There is no Peter, there is only Zuul!"

"Oh squiggly line in my eye fluid, squiggly line that lies in the parenthesis of my eye, when I look at you, you squirm away. Are you shy, squiggly line? Only when I ignore you, you return. Its okay, squiggly line, you are forgiven."

"Hey, pass over some of that Cool wHip."
"What?"
"Well, you put Cool wHip on pie."
"It's Cool Whip."
"That's what I said, Cool wHip."
"Cool Whip."
"Cool wHip."
"Cool Whip."
"Cool wHip."
"Why are you putting so much emphasis on the H?"
"What are you talking about? I'm just saying Cool wHip."
"Say whip."
"Whip."
"Now say Cool Whip."
"Cool wHip."
"Cool Whip!"
"Cool wHip."
"Cool Whip!"
"Cool wHip."

"Why are you naked in my house?"
"Uh... why aren't you?"
"You're all right, Griffin."

"Come on, discipline me! Make me wear panties, rub dirt in my eye, violate me with a wine bottle... My God, I really do have problems, don't I?"

5 out of 5 Stars

TV: Family Guy - Volume 4 (2005-2006)

DVD: 3 Discs


Review: Another great season! So many classic scenes!

Quotes:
"You like eating red carpet, tough guy?"
"Yes!"
"Say you like eating red carpet!"
"I like eating red carpet."
"Giggity."

"I cook like Betty Crocker... and I look like Donna Reed...
There's plastic on the furniture... to keep it nice and clean...
In the Pine Sol scented air, somewhere that's green...
Between our frozen dinners... and our bedtime, nine fifteen...
we snuggle watching Lucy... on our big, enormous, twelve inch screen...
Oh, his December Bride, Chris Griffin, he knows best...
The kids play Howdy Doody... as the sun sets in the West...
A picture out of Better Home and Gardens Magazine...
Someday I know...
we too will go.............
somewhere that's greeeeeeeeeen."
"Are you dead?"

"Oh, no. I didn't catch the ball in the cup. Oh, wait a minute. It's okay because the ball is on a string and attached to the cup."

"All right, listen up, everybody. I have something to tell you. I'm not quite sure how to say this... I'm fat. Let me give you a minute to absorb that. That's the way it is. It's nobody's fault... MEG!"

"And now back to Jaws V: Fire Island."
"You think we should be this far out?"
"Stop worrying, Mark. We'll be fine."
"Hey, I'm gonna eat you all. I'm gonna eat that hairy leg. I'm gonna eat that one too. Oh, I can see right up them shorts. I got a whole bunch of rows of teeth to chew you with. Dunna, dunna, dunna. Oh, wait a minute. I did have a chubby kid on a raft earlier today. It's okay, though. I've been swimming a lot lately. Mm, yummy. Mmmmm."

"I'll talk to him, Lois, but you know when my father wants something, it's like sex with Kobe Bryant. You can kick and scream all you want, but it's... it's gonna happen."

"Jesus was a miracle worker, of sorts. Um, he would travel from place to place, putting things right that once went wrong and hoping each time that his next leap would be the leap home."
"What do you think you're doing with my wife?"
"Oh, boy!"

"Hey, how's it going?"
"Good."
"Ah, those are huge. Those are huge boobs. And you know what's nice? That you don't have that blue vein up there that some of the bigger ones get... What?! I said you don't have that!"

"All right, Peter. You made it to the bonus round. Congratulations."
"Thanks, Regis."
"Okay, the category is 'Actor and Show'. So we need five consonants and a vowel."
"Uh, okay, Um... Z, 4, Q... another Q. Uh... a third Q. And the Batman symbol."
"Okay, no help there. Fifteen seconds. If you want to take a shot at it, talk it out."
"Is it Alex Karras in Webster?"
"I don't' believe it."
"Oh, my God! I just took a shot in the dark! Holy crap!"

"Hey. Hey, Brian. He's knocking on the back door. What should I do?"
"What?"
"He's knocking on the back door. Should I let him in? I'm scared!"
"Well, you two are busy being nude. So, we'll just head out and... let you be nude."
"Who were those two guys?"
"I don't know."

"Listen, Me. Pewterschmidt. You're a business man. I'm a business man and I've got a proposal that I guarantee you can't refuse. See, I wrote this erotica book and I was hoping for seven billion to publish it."
"How about I loan you five dollars? It's at the bottom of this jar of barbed wire and salt."
"Ow! Ow! Ow! Why do you keep these two things together?"

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

TV: Dexter - 1st Season (2006)

DVD: 4 Discs - Enhanced 16x9


"My name is Dexter. Dexter Morgan. I don't know what made me the way I am, but what ever it was left a hollow place inside. People fake a lot of human interactions, but I feel like I fake them all, and I fake them very well... But that's my burden, I guess. I don't blame my foster parents for that. Harry and Dorris Morgan did a wonderful job raising me. But they're both dead now. I didn't kill them... Honest."

Review: Amazing show! I went out right away and bought the DVD after watching it for the first time. Dexter is a serial killer who only hunts other murderers. He works as a forensic scientist for the Miami police department and the first season deals with the hunt for the Ice Truck Killer who likes to play games with Dexter. After every episode, I couldn't wait to see the next one.

"Harry was a great cop here in Miami. He taught me how to think like one; he taught me how to cover my tracks. I'm a very neat monster."

"No blood. No sticky, hot, messy, awful blood. No blood at all. Why hadn't I thought of that? No blood. What a beautiful idea."

"The only real question I have is why in a building full of cops, all supposedly with a keen insight into the human soul, is Doakes the only one who gets the creeps from me?"

"I suppose I should be upset, even violated, but I'm not. No, in fact, I think this is a friendly message. Kind of like, Heh, want to play. And yes, I want to play. I really, really do."

"Jorge Castillo. Number three on the department's list of suspects, but the only one even remotely close to the park where Molino was supposed to drop the money. They never got enough evidence for a search warrant, but I don't need permission to keep an eye on this guy. No neighbors, no foot traffic. It's promising. A good place for human trafficking... or worse."

"The worst thing about finally putting together a puzzle is finding there are missing pieces. He came back and left nothing behind but a message. Come find me... and I will."

"You're shaking. What the hell happened up there?"
"Um, I'm okay. I just need a little air."
"Well, something finally got to you. I guess you're human after all."
"Cut him some slack, all right."
"I hate to disappoint you, but I think it's just low blood sugar."
"Tell us what you saw, Dex. How many dead?"
"A lot. But no bodies, just blood. Maybe fifty, sixty liters."

"You have better have a hell of a reason for being here."
"I'm looking for my sister."
"In a cargo box?"
"Yeah, I'm kinda working on a theory."
"Did you forget you work for the cops? We love theories. C'mon, spin me a story, asshole."
"What I do on my time is my business, Sergeant."
"Yeah, me too and I'm on my time now. There is no lieutenant here to save you're ass. So don't fuck with me, Morgan."
"Okay, you got me. I ordered some furniture from Thailand and I was waiting for it to be delivered."

"Okay, Deb, don't be dead."

5 out of 5 Stars

TV: Deadwood - 1st Season (2004)

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TV: Duckman - 1st & 2nd Seasons (1994)

DVD: 3 Discs


"What the HELL are you starin' at?!!"

Review: This show has not held up for me. I was never a big fan of it's animation style, but I thought it was really well written and had a cutting edge sense of humor. I looked forward to watching it every week on the USA Network. Now I just feel bored when I watch it after all these years. I think recent shows like Family Guy have just made it feel quaint.

"Welcome back to K-Bash on the far right of your dial. If you're on your way to Busty Bikini Babe Fest, and who isn't, be careful of traffic tie ups off Route 115. Apparently, there's a group of lesbians protesting by the gate. That's right, we're calling a full flannel shirt and work boot alert."

"I know over two hundred ways to kill a man."
"You could glue an open jar of rats to his face. Then blowtorch the other side of the jar, so the rats have to eat their way out threw his face."
"Two hundred and one."

"Look, I didn't need Bacon-Breath here to save me, okay. I could have handled those pantywaists. I was just waiting for the right moment to wind up the old hay maker and start dropping the bombs."

"Did I ever tell you my dad's last words to me?"
"Careful son, I don't think the safety's on."
"Before that!!!"

"I can't believe they shared their girlfriends with us, Corny. I just spent the night with the sexiest, most insatiable, voluptuous, adventurous, least-inhibited woman I've ever met. If she didn't suddenly get a headache... woo hoo! There's no telling what wild and tawdry escapades we might have experienced. How was your night?"
"Like yours... minus the headache."

"I knew something was wrong when you didn't show up for work today, Duckman."
"I don't show up for work a lot of days."
"True, but you always call in with some lame and pathetically inadequate excuse that I pretend to believe so as not to unbalance the age old fragile employer-employee relationship."

"You know kids, once I solve this case your Pop will probably be the most important detective ever on this show. What do you think about that, Corny? You're working for the biggest American Dick ever."

"I won't lie to you, old friend. I'm selfishly and greedily cutting you out of the action because I want the girls to myself. Well, got to go get my basket weaved."
"When I snap, I'll kill him first."

"I hope you don't mind a bit of constructive criticism, Duckman, but those kids will be better off with a pack of rabid baboons than with you."
"We proved that wasn't true, Bernice! Even if Ajax does still get a Valentine from the dominant female every year."

"I'll be back, Duckman. You'll see. I'll be a recurring villain every fifth or sixth episode after people get tired of King Chicken. I'm better looking, more intelligent, have a higher TVQ."

3 out of 5 Stars

TV: Futurama - Bender's Game

DVD: Anamorphic Widescreen


"Bender, were you built without an imagination?"
"What? Don't be stupid, of course not. It just hasn't descended yet."

Review: I am starting to think that movie length versions of Futurama are just not the best way to showcase it's superb qualities. It is best with shorter tightly-paced stories filled with great gags. This latest movie is a good, but not great tale about the monopoly of dark-matter by the Mom Corporation.

"Locker Room: NO Pointing and Laughing"

"Dark matter costs have tripled, so we must reduce expenses. Therefore, we will no longer provide complimentary porno magazines in the lounge."
"Darn it."
"And no more wasting fuel."

4 out of 5 Stars

TV: Futurama - Bender's Big Score!

DVD: Anamorphic Widescreen


"We're back, baby!"

"What's the secret of time travel doing on Fry's ass?"
"It was bound to be somewhere!"

Review: I have anticipated this first Futurama movie for too long for me to enjoy it the first time I viewed it. I expected every line to be spun comedic gold and when it wasn't, I felt disappointed. I hope when I re-visit it again in a few months I will find a much better experience unspoiled by unrealistically high expectations. Lots of smiles and chuckles, but not the belly laughs I was looking for.

"I support and oppose many things, but not strongly enough to pick up a pen."

"Finished. I've managed to save the universe and forty percent of your rectum."
"That's all you need."

4 out of 5 Stars

TV: Futurama - 4th Season

DVD: 4 Discs


"All I really wanted was a mom and dad, to hold me and stroke my hair and tell me they love me."
"Then today's your lucky day because I happen to be a holding, stroking, loving machine. Also spanking."

Review: I wish this wasn't the last season, but I am glad that it went out before it had a chance to run out of steam. The shows writers' told more emotional stories during this last season, expanding the shows depth while keeping the laugh factor high.

"Ah, Fry, congratulations. Your latest performance was as delectable as dipping my bottom over and over into a bath of the silkiest oils and creams."
"Thank you, sir. That's exactly what I was going for."

"Do any of you collect Lovey Bears?"
"I do. Is it true what the ads says... that you kiss them together out of blankie cloth and magic buttons?"
"No. It is actually cheaper to genetically engineer real ones. They frolic in the Lovey Forest until their first birthday. Then we choose the cuddly-uddliest ones and stuff them full of fire-retardant love fluff."

"Wow, Bender. Are you and the ship an item? How can you date a ship anyway? It'd be like me dating a really fat lady and living inside of her."
"Fry, in order for me to get busy at maximum efficiency, I need a girl with a big 400-ton bootie."

"Are you familiar with the old robot saying, DOES NOT COMPUTE?"

"You're watching Futurama, the show that does not advocate the cool crime of robbery."

"A dog collar for me? You shouldn't have!"
"That's for Seymour."
"Oh... Say, why'd you get me a subscription to the 'Daily Growl'? That's not a reputable journal of opinion."

"Robo-Puppy commencing 2 hour yipping session: Yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip..."

"Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun?"

"Did everything just taste purple for a second?"

"Fifty-three years old? Ohhh! Now I'll need a fake I.D. to rent ultra porn."

4 out of 4 Stars

TV: Futurama - 3rd Season

DVD: 4 Discs


"It's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's throwing up."

Review: The Best Episode of the entire series is "Parasites Lost" from this season.

"No creature would voluntarily make an idiot of itself."
"Obviously, you've never been in love."

"I'm not a robot like you, I don't like having discs crammed into me... unless they're Oreos... and then only in the mouth."

"There's not a Restaurant built that I can't fly. Where to, ladies?"
"Please sir, let's just divide up the check and..."
"Let's see what this Eatery can do. Aaah, she's built like a Steakhouse, but she handles like a Bistro."

"I can't believe Leela and Amy aren't back from their half-date. I'm going to call the Restaurant."
--- De-de-deep. The number you have dialed has crashed into a planet. Please make a note of it. ---
"Whah! We have to go rescue them!"
"Yeaaah, I don't know."
"BENDER, think of the Senoritas!"
"Vamanos!"

"Where are all the men in your society?"
"Men die out many year ago."
"With all these women around, they were probably nagged to death! Are you with me, fellas?"

"Sorry you struck out, Sausage-Link. If it's any consolation, my life is great. Babes, bucks, I've got it all."

"Yes. We tore the universe a new space hole all right, but it's clenching shut fast. Our only hope to get back to our own time is to go back through it within, oh, say, exactly 24 hours."

4 out of 4 Stars

TV: Futurama - 2nd Season

DVD: 4 Discs


"Co-ed steam rooms. I LOVE the future."
"Uh, Fry, you're in the women's steam room."
"Ahhh. Fu-tur-istic."

Review: Two of the best episodes of this season are "Why Must I be a Crustacean in Love" and "My Problem with Popplers"

"Please let us live. We'll put out milk and cookies for you."
"You DARE bribe Santa. I'm going to shove coal so far up your stocking you'll be coughing up diamonds."

"I like to propose a toast to Edna... of all the slimy, gross crab monsters on this planet, you are apparently the hottest."
"That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard."

"Oh, man. Not being able to use that word is going to be a giant pain in the ass. Hey! I didn't blow up. Ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass."

"Stupid anti-pimping laws!"

"Excellent. This will give me a chance to try out my latest invention - these pressure pills."
"Are you crazy? I can't swallow that!"
"Well, then good news. It's a suppository."

"Well, thanks to the Internet, I'm now bored with sex."

"I am Bender, please insert girder."
"Poor Bender, without his brain he's become all quiet and helpful."

"They're tastier than an unguarded penguin nest. What do you call them?"
"We haven't thought of a name yet."
"They're tasty, right? Let's call them Tasticles."

"I love you. Don't you love me?"
"Well sure. To the extent a man can love a woman."

4 out of 4 Stars

TV: Futurama - 1st Season (1999)

DVD: 3 Discs


"You really want a robot for a friend?"
"Yeah, ever since I was six."
"Well, ok. But I don't want people thinking we are robosexuals... so if anyone asks, you are my debugger."

Review: Matt Groening's other series hit the ground running and is an instant classic with only four seasons. While just below the level of quality of "The Simpsons" at its peak it was much better than the latter years of "The Simpsons" while they were both on the air together. Bender is the standout character, much like Homer.

"Yeah, well... I'm gonna go build my own theme park, with blackjack and hookers. In fact, forget the park!"

"Come on, it's just like making love. Y'know... left, down, rotate sixty-two degrees, engage rotor..."
"I KNOW how to make love."

"Oh, I always feared he would run off like this. Why? WHY? WHY didn't I break his legs?"

"Kill all humans, kill all humans, must kill all hu..."
"Bender, wake up."
"I was having the most wonderful dream. I think you were in it."

"You're the kind of guy who visits Jerusalem and doesn't want to visit the Sexeteria."

4 out of 4 Stars

TV: Friends - 5th Season

DVD: 4 Discs


"What's that?"
"It came in the mail today. It's 72 long-stemmed red roses. One for each day I've known and loved Emily... cut up into mulch."
"Oh Honey, that's awful."
"It's not so bad. Monica's going TO MAKE POTPOURRI."

Review: This is the last great season of Friends, ending with Ross and Rachel's drunken marriage in Las Vegas. A great story line for most of the season was the secret relationship of Chandler and Monica. After this season, the show just starts to recycle itself, still with lots of laughs but without the magic.

"Come in. I've been waiting for you."
"Hi, I just... Aaaah! Oh, my god! Monica! Oh, my God!"
"I'm sorry! I was, um... I was taking a nap."
"Since when do you take naps in that position? Oh God, Monica. Tell me you were waiting for a guy. Please tell me you were waiting for a guy."
"Yes, I was. A guy. From work."

"Phoebe. I'm sorry about the whole 'lifting out' thing. You gotta come with me."
"Come where?"
"Wherever I go. C'mon, you and me, we'll start a new group. We're the best ones."
"Okay, but try to get Joey too."

"I'm really getting tired of sneaking around."
"I know, me too. Heh! You know what? What if we went away for the whole weekend? We would have no interruptions and we could be naked the entire time.
"All weekend? That's a whole lot of naked."

"Joey has got a secret peephole!"
"Oh, no, no, no!"
"Yes, he has a naked picture of Monica! He takes naked pictures of us, then he eats chicken and then he looks at them! Look!"
"Aah! Dude, that's my sister!"
"Wait! Just wait. Everybody just calm down, okay? Let's give our friend, Joey, a chance to explain why he's such A BIG PERVERT!"

"Let me make sure I'm hearing this right. You're ending this with me because... I'm... too whiny? So you're saying... I've become... so whiny... that I... annoy you... Janice."
"Well, yeah!"
"Oh! My! God!!"
"Are you going to be okay?"
"I am now."

"It is odd how a woman's purse looks so good on me, a man."
"Exactly. Unisex."
"Maybe you need sex. I had sex a couple days ago."
"No, no, Joey. U-N-I sex."
"Well, I ain't gonna say no to that!"

"Joey, the sooner Pheobe breaks Chandler, the sooner this is all over and out in the open."
"Ooh! I like that. Oh, okay! Show him your bra. He's afraid of bras. Can't work them."
"Aah! Joey!! Wow, you didn't rip off any buttons."
"It's not my first time."

"Here we go. Pivot... Pivot... Pivot! Pivot!! PIVOT!!!"
"Shut up! Shut up! Shut UP!"
"Okay, I don't think it'll pivot anymore."
"You think?!!"

"I'm going to ask you a series of questions and you answer as quickly as you can."
"Yes!"
"Good. But wait. Ok, here we go. I want you to relax. Clear your mind. Which do you like better, peanut butter or egg whites?"
"Peanut butter."
"Which would you rather be, a fireman or a swimmer?"
"Swimmer."
"Who would you rather sleep with, Monica or Rachel?"
"Monica. Ooh! I always thought it would be Rachel."

5 out of 5 Stars

TV: Friends - 4th Season

DVD: 4 Discs


"I was so nervous about that letter. But the way you owned up to everything, it just showed me how much you've grown. You know?"
"I suppose."
"You have, Ross. You should give yourself credit. My mom never thought this would work out. She was all, 'Once a cheater, always a cheater.'"
"Uh-huh."
"I just wish we hadn't lost those four months. But if time is what you needed to gain a little perspective..."
"WE WERE ON A BREAK!"

Review: This was another great season of Friends that ended with Chandler and Monica hooking up in London for Ross' marriage to Emily. Chandler falling in love with Joey's girlfriend was a great story arc as well as the apartment switch.

"Oh, she's pretty. Pretty, pretty girl. She's pretty."
"Just go up to her and ask her out."
"Nuh-uh."
"What's the worst thing that could happen?"
"I could die... All right, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna go get shot down. Any advise?"
"Just be yourself... but not too much."

"How did you get a girl like that?"
"I've seen her at work, but I always figured... Bhhhh. But I made her dinner. We had a great time. And we're going out again tomorrow."
"Maybe she and her friends are having a contest to see who could bring home the biggest geek."
"Fine by me. Hope she wins."

"I kissed Kathy."
"Oh God! Are you serious? Does Joey know?"
"No. Is there any way, any way you think he will understand this?"
"You obviously haven't screwed over allot of your friends... Which we all appreciate."

"Every week the TV Guide comes to Chandler and Joey's Apartment. What name appears on the address label?"
"CHANDLER GETS IT! IT'S CHANDLER BING!"
"NO!"
"I'm afraid the TV Guide comes to Chanandler Bong."
"I knew that! Rachel, use your head!"
"Actually, it's Ms. Chanandler Bong."

"We were just talking about me not going to Ross' wedding. It just might be too hard, given the history and all that."
"Wow, this reminds me of the time when I was living on the street and this guy offered to buy me food if I slept with him."
"How is this like that?"
"Well, let's see. It's not, really. Because, you see, that was an actual problem and yours is just a bunch of high school crap that nobody really gives... you know!"
"I'm sorry... I guess I just thought..."
"All right, HERE comes the water works."

4 out of 4 Stars

TV: Friends - 3rd Season

DVD: 4 Discs


"Joey, why can't you just wear the underwear you're wearing now?"
"Because I'm not wearing any underwear now."
"Okay, um. Why do you have to wear underwear tonight?"
"It's a rented tux, okay. I'm not going to go commando in another man's fatigues."

Review: Another great season, but it started out a little slow with Ross and Rachel as a couple. It is ironic that you spend two seasons rooting for them to get together, but once they do it get's a little boring. The rest of the characters were funny, especially Chandler, and the Ross & Rachel storyline gets great again when they go on their break.

"I'm an idiot. I mean, I should have seen it. I mean, Carol and I would be out, and she'd see some beautiful woman and she'd be, 'Ross! Look at her!' and I'd think, 'God, my wife is cool.'"
"Hey, do you think that Susan person is her lover?"
"Well, now I do!"

"I advised a fellow actor to play a role homosexually. Yeah. We both auditioned for the part... and as it turned out... they liked the stupid gay thing and cast him. And now he's got a two-year contract opposite, Susan Lucci, the first lady of daytime television. And me? Me, I'm stuck here teaching a bunch of people, most of whom are too ugly to even be on TV. I'm sorry... I'm sorry."
CLAP, CLAP, CLAP, CLAP...
"Thank you."

"Hi. I'm selling Brown Bird cookies."
"You're no Brown Bird. I can see you through my peephole."
"No. Hi. I'm an honorary Brown Bird."
"What does that mean?"
"Well, it means that I can sell cookies, but I'm not invited to sleepovers."

"Hey, how much you give me to eat this whole jar of olives?"
"I won't give you anything, but you'll owe me $2.95."
"Done!"

3 1/2 out of 4 Stars

TV: Friends - 2nd Season

DVD: 4 Discs


"Hey, if we were in prison, you would be like my bitches!"

"So, does it do anything, you know, special?"
"Why yes, Ross. Pressing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia."
"You know, in some cultures, having a third nipple is actually a sign of virility. You get the best huts, and women dance naked around you."
"Are any of these cultures, perchance, in the Tri-State area?"

Review: It was a good sign for Friends that the second season was as good as the first and didn't suffer a sophmore slump. It was fun to have the season start off with the reverse situation of Rachel pining after Ross who has a new girlfriend.

"So I figured it out. Why Scott doesn't want to sleep with me. It's because I'm not sexy enough."
"Oh, Phoebe, that's crazy. When I first met you, you know what I said to Chandler?"
"No."
"I said, 'Excellent butt, great rack.'"
"Really? That's so sweet... I am officially offended, but that's so sweet."

"Hey Rachel, would you sleep with somebody to get a great job?"
"I don't know. Who would I have to sleep with?"
"Me."
"Why would I have to sleep with you?"
"It's my game. Do you want the job or not?"

"How's Monica?"
"She's calmed down a bit. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling."
"How's the hair?"
"I'm not gonna lie to you. It doesn't look good."
"Can we see her?"
"No, your hair looks too good. I think it would only upset her."
"Oh."
"Ross, you can go on in."

"This is kinda out of the blue, isn't it?"
"No, no, no. This isn't out of the blue. This is smack dab in the middle of the blue."

"Why can't we use the same toothbrush, but we can use the same soap?"
"Because soap is soap. It's self-cleaning."
"All right, well next time you take a shower think about the last thing I wash and the first thing you wash."

"Pheobe, how could you do this to me? The tattoo was all your idea."
"I know! I know! I was gonna get it, but then he came in with this needle. Did you know they do this with needles?"
"Really? you don't say? Because MINE was licked on by KITTENS!"

4 out of 4 Stars