Film: The Truman Show (1998)

DVD: Enhanced 16x9


"I want to be an explorer, like the Great Magellan."
"Oh, you're too late! There's nothing left to explore!"

Review: I like this movie more for the concept than the actual execution. Moments of brilliance are mixed with an equal amount of frustrating scenes. The drama don't mesh well with the funny sitcom type moments that Jim Carrey can handle so well. Carrey has proved that he can pull off excellent dramatic acting in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", but in this first dramatic role, he hadn't acquired the necessary skills yet. Ed Harris helps carry the dramatic scenes he shares in the movie.

"Cue the sun!"

"For God's sake, Chris! The whole world is watching. We can't let him die in front of a live audience!"
"He was born in front of a live audience."

4 out of 5 Stars

TV: The Simpsons - 9th Season

DVD: 4 Discs


"Keep looking shocked and move slowly towards the cake."

Review: The last great season. "The Cartridge Family", "Lisa the Skeptic", "Bart Carny", "Bart Star" & "Trash of the Titans" were some of the best episodes of the season.

"He lied about his name."
"His name doesn't matter. A Rose by any Other Name would Smell as Sweet."
"Not if you called them Stench Blossoms."
"Or Crap Weeds."
"I would sure not like to get a dozen Crap Weeds for Valentine's Day. I would rather have candy."
"Not if they were called Scum Drops."

"Oh my God! Every one's gone! Lil' Bart, Lil' Lisa, Lil' Marge... and the rest."

"Whoa, careful there, Annie Oakley."
"I don't need to be careful. I got a gun."
"Well, you'll probably want the accessory kit, the holster..."
"Oh, yeah."
"Bandoleer..."
"Oh, baby."
"Silencer..."
"Mmmm."
"Loudener..."
"Aaaah."
"Speed Cocker..."
"Ooooo, I like the sound of that."
"And this is for shooting down police helicopters."
"Oh, I don't need anything like that... yet."

"Good practice team. Okay, it's time for the easiest part of any coach's job, the cuts. Now while I wasn't able to cut everyone I wanted to, I have cut allot of you. Wendel is cut. Rudy is cut. Annie, you're gone. Steven, I like your hustle. That's why it's so hard to cut you. Congratulations, the rest of you made the team... except you, you and you."

"I'm feeling kinda low, Apu. Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau?"
"Such a product does not exist, Sir. I think you must have dreamed it."
"Oh, well then just get me a six-pack and a couple bags of Skittles."

"Facts are meaningless. You can use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true. Facts, Shmacks!"

"Ow! My heart!"

"Daddy, what do taxes pay for?"
"Why everything, policemen, trees, sunshine, and let's not forget the folks who just don't feel like working, God Bless Them."

"I'm Sir Loves-A-Lot, the Bear who Loves to Love."
"They didn't have Lord Huggington?"
"It's the same basic bear, Homie."
"I guess."

"Hey everybody! Vote for my dad, Homer Simpson. If you don't, he'll beat us."
"WHY YOU LITTLE... No one's going to beat you, son...... You're going to get such a beating."

5 out of 5 Stars

TV: The Simpsons - 8th Season

DVD: 4 Discs


"Are you wearing a grocery bag?"
"I have misplaced my pants."

Review: "Mountain of Madness" is one of my favorite Mr. Burns' episodes. "You only Move Twice" is another classic episode along with "Bart after Dark". This is the second to last great season with a few below average episodes starting to sneak into the mix along with the great ones.

"When you work the door, the main things are to greet the visitors and toss out the troublemakers."
"Ah, the old greet 'n' toss. No problemo."

"What's with the glowing?"
"I'll field that question. A lifetime of working in a nuclear power plant has given me a healthy green glow but left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner."

"How could you do this to someone you love?"
"How could I not? I saw you pouring your heart and soul into this business and getting nowhere. I saw you desperately trying to cram one more salty treat into America's already bloated snack-hole. So I did what I could. I did what any loving husband would do. I reached out to some violent mobsters."

"Teamwork is overrated."
"Waah?"
"Think about it. I mean what TEAM was Babe Ruth on? Who knows? Sharing is a bunch of bull too... and helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?"
"Hmmm! Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter."

"If I don't get to the top of the mountain real soon, I could get fired."
"We'll help you. I have a watch with a minute hand."
"Aaah! All right you can come. What time is it?"
"12:80. No, wait, wait. What comes after twelve?"
"One."
"No, after twelve!"
"Naaaah!"

"Okay, search party, before we set out, let's take a moment to humor the children. KIDS, YOUR FATHER IS GOING TO BE JUST FINE. Okay, everybody, put on your corpse handling gloves. We've got two frozen bodies buried somewhere in this mountain."
"Did you hear that, Lisa. Dad is going to be just fine."

"Hi, Mr. Meyers. I've been doing some thinking and I got some ideas to improve the show. I got it right here. One, Poochie needs to be louder, angrier and have access to a time machine. Two, when ever Poochie is not on screen, all the other characters should be asking, 'Where's Poochie?' Three..."
"Great, great, just leave them right there on the floor on your way out."

"You know me, Marge. I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals FLAMING."

"Oh, Homer, please. Your embarrassing yourself."
"No, I'm not Marge. They're embarrassing me. They're embarrassing America. They've turned the Navy into a floating joke and ruined all our best names, like Bruce and Lance and Julian. Those were the toughest names we had. Now there just...?"
"Queer?"

"Demand? Who are you to demand anything. I run this town. Your just a bunch of low-income nobodies."
"Uh, election in November, election in November."
"What, AGAIN! This stupid country."

"I don't think we are talking about love here. We're talking about S-E-X in front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N."
"Sex Cauldron! I thought they closed that place down."

5 out of 5 Stars

TV: The Simpsons - 7th Season

DVD: 4 Discs


"My eyes! The goggles do nothing!!"

Review: The Simpsons are still going strong this season with "King Size Homer" my favorite of this set.

"I'm not cut out to be a star."
"But Milhouse, being a star is every patriotic American's dream."

"How ironic. My crusade against television has come to an end so formulaic, it could have spewed from the Powerbook of the laziest, Hollywood hack."

"I can't take this anymore, I want my soul and I want it NOW."
"Bart, you didn't finish your spaghetti and Moe balls. 'Silence you fool, it could be ours...' RUN BOY, RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.... BOY!"

"Wait, wait, wait a minute. Lisa, honey. Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again. What about Bacon?"
"No."
"Ham?"
"No!"
"Porkchops?"
"DAD, those all come from the same animal."
"Ho-Ha-Ha. Ya right, Lisa. A wonderful, Maaagical animal. Hee-Hee-Hee!"

"I pity those poor suckers on the freeway. Gas, Brake, Honk! Gas, Brake, Honk! Honk, Honk, Punch! Gas, Gas, Gas!"

[Moe hooked up to a Lie Detector]
"Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?"
"No." - BUZZ
"All right, maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him." - DING
"Checks out. Okay, sir. You're free to go."
"Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight." - BUZZ
"A date." - BUZZ
"Dinner with friends." - BUZZ
"Dinner alone." - BUZZ
"Watching TV alone." - BUZZ
"All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog." - BUZZ
"Sears catalog." - DING
"Now would you unhook this already, please? I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment." - BUZZ

5 out of 5 Stars

TV: The Simpsons - 6th Season

DVD: 4 Discs


"All right, we're here. Let us never speak of the shortcut again."

Review: Another great season with episodes like "Homer the Great", "Bart's Comet" & "Homie the Clown".

"Look at all this great stuff, Lisa. Cooool, personalized plates. Barclay, Barry, Bert, BORT! Ah, C'mon. Bort??"
"Mommy, Mommy, buy me a license plate!"
"No, come along, Bort!"
"Were you talking to me?"
"No, my son is also named Bort."

"Attention, Marge Simpson! Your son has been arrested."
"I would be terribly embarrassed if I was that boy's mother."
"Attention, Marge Simpson! We have also arrested your older, balder, fatter son."

"I can't believe it, Bart, I always thought Jessica was so sweet."
"She's like a Milk Dud, Lisa, sweet on the outside, poison on the inside."

"Lisa, if the bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing and such and such."

"No offense, Homer, but your half-assed underparenting was alot more fun than your half-assed overparenting."
"But I'm using my whole ass."

"Why don't those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks!"

"Now, to the top of Mount Springfield for the Coronation. Remove the Stone of Shame..."
"Woo-hoo!"
"...Attach the Stone of Triumph!"
"Ooooh!"

"With our utter annihilation eminent, our federal Government has snapped into action. We go live now via satellite to the floor of the United States Congress."
"...then it is unanimous, we are going to approve the bill to evacuate the town of Springfield in the great state of..."
"Wait a second, I want to tack on a rider to that bill. 30 million dollars of taxpayer money to support the perverted arts."
"All in favor of the amended Springfield/Pervert Bill?"
"Boooooooo!"
"Bill defeated."

"When will you Australians learn? In America, we stopped using corporal punishment, and things have never been better. The streets are safe. Old people strut confidently in the darkest alleys. And the weak and nerdy are admired for their computer-programming abilities. So, like us, let your children run wild and free! Because, as the old saying goes, 'let your children run wild and free'."

"Try to be nice to my sisters, Homer. It is very hard on me to have you fighting all the time."
"Ooh, okay, Marge. I will get along with them, then I will hug some snakes. Yes, I will hug and kiss some poisonous SNAKES. Now that's sarcasm."

5 out of 5 Stars

TV: The Simpsons - 5th Season

DVD: 4 Discs


"No, Lisa, you're not a monster. The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother, and I call him GAMBLOR! We must save your mother from his neon claws!"

Review: Another great season, some of my favorites are "Cape Feare", "Rosebud", "$pringfield", and "Deep Space Homer"

"...and the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night."

5 out of 5 Stars

TV: The Simpsons - 4th Season

DVD: 4 Discs


"I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell?"

Review: This season might be the peak of all the seasons with too many amazing episodes too mention. "Homer the Heretic" where Homer decides to stay home form church is so well done. "Mr. Plow" is hilarious, I cried laughing when the billy goat fell down the mountain. "Last Exit to Springfield" has some of the most quotable lines of all the episodes.

"Alcohol, the cause of and solution to all life's problems."

"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike, you just go in every day and do it really half-assed - that's the American way."

5 out of 5 Stars

TV: The Simpsons - 3rd Season

DVD: 4 Discs


"Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's okay in the Bible."
"Really? Where?"
"Eh, somewhere in the back."

Review: There isn't a bad episode in the bunch this season. "Radio Bart" is a classic with Bart getting trapped down a well. "Lisa's Pony", "Flaming Moe's" and "Colonel Homer" are classic Homer episodes.

"People like dogs, Mr. Burns."
"Nonsense! Dogs are idiots. Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over you, what would you say?"
"If YOU did it, sir?"

"Oh, Lisa. You and your stories. Bart is a vampire. Beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that building thingy... where our beds and TV is."

5 out of 5 Stars

TV: The Simpsons - 2nd Season

DVD: 4 Discs


"Silly customer, you cannot hurt a Twinkie."

Review: "Simpson and Delilah" and "One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Bluefish" are two of this season's best episodes. "Lisa's Substitute" is the best episode of any season of "The Simpsons" that centers on Lisa's character. The only episode that has ever made me tear up.

"This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you."
"You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir."

5 out of 5 Stars

TV: The Simpsons - 1st Season

DVD: 3 Discs


"It's craptacular."

Review: I love "The Simpsons", but I have no real desire to watch these 1st season episodes. I have it more just to complete my collection. The writers and animators are still getting their feet under them in this 1st season and the show doesn't begin to develop into the show I enjoy until the 2nd season.

"Hand over all your money in a paper bag!"
"Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store, you know."

3 1/2 out of 5 Stars

Film: The Thomas Crown Affair (1999)

DVD: Double Sided - Enhanced 16x9 Widescreen


"This is an elegant crime, done by an elegant person. It's not about the money."
"So, who steals a Monet, just to not sell it?"
"A Monet lover."

Review: I swear this is a chick-flick disguised as a slick caper film to fool the guys. It works though as the film cleverly portrays two art thefts from the Met. Half of the fun though is watching the test of wills between the two main characters.

"Has it occurred to you that you have a problem with trust?"
"I trust myself implicitly."

4 out of 5 Stars

Film: See No Evil, Hear No Evil (1989)

DVD: Anamorphic


"You know what? I'm getting tired of this deaf shit. You mean to tell me you can't hear anything I say, even if I scream in your ear?"
"It seems crazy, after all these years, but I've never done that. I would like you to. Go ahead. Let's give it a try."
"I want you to HEAR ME. OKAY! SHAZAAM! CAN YOU HEAR ME?"
"Oh, WALLY. JESUS! I HEARD SOMETHING! I heard your voice!"
"Holy! You can hear me, Dave!"
"What?"
"You can hear me?!"
"NO, SCHMUCK! I'M DEAF! NOW DO YOU GET IT?"

Review: The plot in this movie of a deaf man and a blind man accused of murder they didn't commit is mostly used as a vehicle for Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder to joke with each other as they flee the cops and track down the real killers. They have great chemistry together and it makes for good laughs all through the film.

"Wait a second. Don't we get a last request?"
"What would you like?"
"Would you scratch my nose for me? Thank you."
"Mr. Carew, what would you like?"
"I suppose a fuck is out of the question."
"I'm afraid so."

4 out of 5 Stars

Film: Teen Wolf (1985)

DVD: Enhanced 16x9 - Double Sided


"It's not going to well is it?"
"Well, Christ, Thorne, look at the shoes on those guys. If our guys had shoes like that there's no telling what they could do."

Review: Teen Wolf is a pleasant comedy that I have enjoyed watching on TV many times. That's it, that's my review.

"Look Scotty, I know what you're going through. Couple years back, a kid came to me much the same way you're coming to me now, saying the same thing that you're saying. He wanted to drop off the team. HIS mother was a widow, all crippled up. She was scrubbing floors. She had this pin in her hip. So he wanted to drop basketball and get a job. Now these were poor people with real problems. Understand what I'm saying?"
"What happened to the kid?"
"I don't know. He quit. He was a third stringer, I didn't need him."

3 out of 5 Stars

Film: Midnight Run (1988)

DVD: Anamorphic


"I suffer from aviaphobia."
"What does that mean?"
"It means I can't fly. I also suffer from acrophobia and claustrophobia."
"I'll tell you what: if you don't cooperate, you're gonna suffer from fistophobia."

Review: I can never get enough of road movies and this is a great one. Charles Grodin constantly annoying Robert DeNiro as they cross the country is gold. Lots of cigarettes smoked and profanity spewed.

"I never took a payoff in my life and I'm not gonna start with someone like you."
"Why not?"
"Because you're a fucking criminal and you deserve to go where you're going and I'm gonna take you there and if hear any more shit outta you: I'm gonna fucking bust your head and I'll put you back in that fucking hole and I'm gonna stick your head in the fucking toilet bowl and I'm gonna make it stay there."

"You have two emotions, silence and rage."

4 out of 5 Stars

Film: The Jungle Book (1967)

DVD: Enhanced 16x9


"His name is Mowgli, and I'm taking him back to the man village."
"Man village? They'll ruin him. They'll make a man out of him."

Review: This is one of my favorite Disney movies. I practically know the film's entire dialogue by heart from the endless times I listened to the audio tape as a child. The film is filled with great characters and songs.

"Now this takes the brains, not the brawns."
"You better believe it and I'm loaded with both."

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

Film: Commando (1985)

DVD: Anamorphic


"Why don't they just call him Girl George? It would cut down on the confusion."
"Oh, Dad, that is so old."
"Ha Ha. You know, when I was a boy and Rock'n'Roll came to East Germany, the communists said it was subversive... Maybe they were right."

Review: This is a great over-over-over-the-top action flick with Arnold Schwarzenegger as a Commando trying to rescue his daughter taken hostage. It plays almost as a fantasy as one man takes on a hundred in a climatic battle where he hits everything he aims at and seems impervious to harm. There is a lot of humor from the one-liners and the cartoon violence.

"You scared motherfucker? Well, you should be because this Green Beret is going to kick your big ass."
"I eat Green Berets for breakfast. And right now I'm very hungry."

"Come on, Bennett, throw away the chicken-shit gun. You don't just want to pull the trigger, you want to put the knife in me, and look me in the eye, and see what's going on in there when you turn it. That's what you want to do, right?"
"I can kill you, John!"
"Come on, let the girl go, just between you and me. Don't deprive yourself of some pleasure. Come on, Bennett, lets party!"

4 out of 5 Stars

TV: Seinfeld - 9th Season

DVD: 4 Discs


"I'm sorry. I couldn't get out of there. What did I miss?"
"After ordering, Mr. Seinfeld and Mr. Costanza debated on whether Iron Man wore some sort of undergarment between his skin and his iron suit."
"I still say he's naked under there."
"Then Mr. Seinfeld went to the restroom at which point, Mr. Costanza scooped ice out of Mr. Seinfeld's drink with his bare hand and used it to wash up. And then Mr. Costanza remarked to me: This never happened."

Review: While this finale season got a little wacky, it has a lot of classic scenes.

"Serenity NOW!"

"What is the matter?"
"It's Patty."
"Jerry, you break up with a girl every week."
"What, what is this salty discharge?"
"Oh, my God, you're crying."
"This is horrible... I care."

"Didn't go for it, huh?"
"No."
"So she didn't appreciate the erotic qualities of the salted-cured meats?"
"She tolerated the strawberries and the chocolate sauce... but it's not a meal, you know? Food and sex. Those are my two passions. It's only natural to combine them."

"Mr. Kramer, I've been reading some of your material here. I gotta be honest with you. You make a pretty strong case. I mean, just imagine. An army of men in wool pants, running through the neighborhood handing out pottery catalogs door to door. Ha, ha, ha..."
"Ha, ha, ha."
"...Well, it's my job. And I'm pretty damn serious about it. In addition to being a postmaster, I'm a general and we both know it's the job of a general to, by God, get things DONE!. So maybe you can understand why I get a little irritated when somebody calls me away from my golf!"
"I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry."
"Sure, you're sorry. I think we got a stack of mail there at the desk that belongs to you. Now you want that mail, don't you, Mr. Kramer?"
"Sure do."
"Now that's better."

"You're an alcoholic. You have to apologize! Step 9. Step 9."
"All right, George, all right. I'm sorry. I'm very , very sorry. I'm so sorry that I didn't want your rather bulbous head struggling to finds its way into the normal-size neck hole of my finely knit sweater."

"Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way!"
"What happened to the doll?"
"It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born. A Festivus for the rest of us!"

"I got to talk her out of this."
"I thought you said she stinks?"
"She does stink. And she should quit. But I don't want it to be because of me. It should be the traditional route. Years of rejection and failure until she's spit out the bottom of the porn industry."

"I have made an important life decision. I know I have been kind of shooting off at the mouth lately. First, with that girl whose life you destroyed... and then about George dating a lady Jerry."
"What's the decision?!"
"I know you want me to keep my big mouth shut. Well, that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm never going to talk again."
"Yeah, right."
"What do I need to talk about, huh? What, to blab to the neighbors about how George has a new fem-Jerry friend? Or to tell everybody at the coffee shop how George is all mixed up in a perverse sexual amalgam of some girl and his best friend? See, now, I've done all that. Now, it's time for silence."
"Kramer, you're never going to be able to completely stop talking."
"Jerry, ninety-four percent of communication is non-verbal. Here, watch..."
"Well, what does this mean?"
"It's Frank and Estelle's reaction to hearing about George's man love for a she-Jerry."

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

TV: Seinfeld - 8th Season

DVD: 4 Discs


"I tell ya, Jerry. I'm feeling something, something I haven't felt for a long time."
"Pride?"
"No. Autonomy, complete and total autonomy."

Review: This is the first season without Larry David writing scripts, but the show is still very funny. There is a drop in quality after the great season 7, but not too bad. There allot of classic episodes from this season as Elaine takes over the clothing company in Peterman's absence and George starts volunteering at the Foundation set up after his fiance's death.

"I can't spend the rest of my life coming into this stinking apartment every ten minutes to pore over the excruciating minutiae of every single daily event."
"Why not? Like, yesterday, I went to the bank to make a deposit and the teller gives me this look like..."
"I'll see you later, man, I gotta go."
"The whole system is breaking DOWN."

"Interesting. She doesn't care for you. Then a stern warning. Suddenly a phone call. Seems Elaine's made you the bad boy. And Anna digs the bad boy."
"I'm the bad boy. I've never been the bad boy."
"You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend."
"Yes. Yes, yes."
"The bad fiance, bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk."
"Okay, the point is made."
"The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen... The bad tipper."

"It's a hot night. The mind races. You think about your knife, the only friend who hasn't betrayed you. The only friend who won't be dead by sun-up. Sleep tight, mates, in your quilted chambray nightshirts."

"I'm going out with her tomorrow. She had some errands to run."
"That's a date?"
"What's the difference? You know the way I work. I'm like a commercial jingle. First, it's a little irritating. The you hear it a few times. You hum it in the shower. By the third date, it's 'BY MENNEN'."

"He shaves his head. I think it's pretty gutsy."
"Listen, sweetheart, let me tell you a little something about guts. THIS is guts."
"What? Clinging to some scraps?"
"These are not scraps. These are historic remains of a once-great society of hair."

"Hey George. The ocean just called, they're running out of shrimp."

"I have Benes' wonderfully imaginative mind to spin my stories. You take back your tales, you vagabond... There you are, Elaine. Go forth and create. And by the way, when you get to that chapter about my romantic escapades, feel free to toss yourself into the mix."

"Tell me your sins, my son."
"Oh, well, I should mention that I'm Jewish."
"Oh, that's no sin."
"Oh, good."

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

TV: Seinfeld - 7th Season

DVD: 4 Discs


"What are you thinking about, Jerry? Marriage? Family?"
"Well..."
"They're prisons. Man-made prisons. You're doing time. You get up in the morning, she's there. You go to sleep at night, she's there. It's like you got to ask permission to use the bathroom. Is it all right if I use the bathroom now?"
"Really?"
"Yeah and you can forget about watching TV while you're eating. You know why? Because it's dinner time. And you know what you do at dinner?"
"What?"
"You talk about your day. How was your day today? Did you have a good day today or a bad day today? What kind of day was it? Well, I don't know. How about you? How was your day? It's sad, Jerry. It's a sad state of affairs."
"I'm glad we had this talk."

Review: This is Larry David's last season as the head writer. A great year with George's engagement to Susan and lots of fun episodes with Elaine's boss, Mr. Peterman.

"Let me take a guess. She cried and you caved."
"How did you know that?"
"I live and breath, my friend. I live and breath."

"Elaine, what percentage of people would you say are good-looking?"
"Twenty-five percent."
"Twenty-five percent? No way. It's like four to six percent. It's a twenty-to-one shot."
"You're way off."
"Way off? Have you been to the Motor Vehicle Bureau? It's a leper colony down there."

"I'm exhausted. I've been on this street a 1,000 times. It's never looked so strange. The faces, so cold. In the distance, a child is crying. Fatherless. A bastard child, perhaps. My back aches. My heart aches, but my feet... My feet are resilient. Thank God I took off my heels and put on my Himalayan WALKING SHOES!"

"I'm not giving you my code."
"I bet I can guess it."
"Yeah, right."
"Oh, all right. Yeah. Let's see. Well, we can throw out birthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for you. You're a word man. All right, let's go deeper. What kind of man are you? Well, you're weak... spineless. A man of temptations. But what tempts you?"
"Huh?"
"You're a portly fellow... a little long in the waistband. So, what's your pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No, no, no. Yours is a sweet tooth."
"Get out of here."
"Oh, you may stray... but you'll always return to your dark master. The cocoa bean."

"Hey, Elaine. Who do you think would win a fight between me and Gorgeous George here?"
"You mean a real 'fight' fight?"
"Mano a baldo."
"George."
"Why?"
"George fights dirty."
"Really? What would you do?"
"Pull hair, poke eyes, groin stuff. Whatever I gotta do."

"Do you know what this is like, to have no control over a relationship? And to feel sick to your stomach all the time? Do you know what that's like?"
"No. But I've read articles, and I must say, it doesn't sound very pleasant."
"You know, one of these days something terrible is going to happen to you. It has to."
"No, I'm gonna be just fine."

"Perhaps he thinks that you're working HIM for the discount. Shaking that little butt of yours into big, big savings. Then when you get it, you know, you drop him like a hot potato."
"Oh, please."
"No, the two of you need to work on trust. And then, and only then will there be a free exchange of sex and discounts. The cornerstones of a healthy relationship."

5 out of 5 Stars

TV: Seinfeld - 6th Season

DVD: 4 Discs


"Perhaps there's more to Newman than meets the eye."
"No. There's less."
"It's possible."
"No, it isn't. I've looked into his eyes. He's pure evil."
"Maybe he's an enigma. A mystery wrapped in a riddle."
"Yeah. He's a mystery wrapped in a Twinkie."

Review: A lot of shows start to run out of steam by this time, but Seinfeld is still going strong as George starts working for the Yankees and gets a toupee and Elaine starts working for Mr. Pitt.

"You got a comfort problem there?"
"No, I think these Jockeys shrunk."
"I thought you wore silk underwear."
"No. Well, I wore them for a month, but I couldn't stick with it. I need the secure packaging of Jockeys. My boys need a house."
"That's nice."

"I couldn't believe it. I thought I was entering a magical world of sensual delights. It was just SO ordinary. There was nothing gymnastic about it."
"What did you think she was going to do?"
"You know, I mean... I don't know."
"No, what?"
"Obviously, I prefer not to mention any..."
"Oh, come on. One thing. One thing. What?"
"Well, frankly, I thought, you know, I was going to be kinda like the apparatus."

"You don't wanna go with me?"
"Jerry, for all I know, this guy went out of his way to not invite you. How am I gonna feel if I show up with an uninvited, unwelcome intruder?"
"The way I feel when I go places with you?"
-----
"So Kramer, you wanna go to the party together?"
"Jerry, look, come on. I'm an invited guest. I can't be aiding and abetting some party crasher."

"So what happened?"
"She's into it."
"Into what?"
"The menage. And not only that, she just called me. She told me she spoke with her roommate and the roommate is into the menage too."
"That's unbelievable!"
"Oh, it's a scene, man."
"Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank God that you know me and have access to my dementia?"

"I don't trust this guy. I think he re-gifted and then he de-gifted. Now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Super Bowl sex romp."

"I tell ya, when she threw that toupee out the window, it was the best thing that ever happened to me."
"Good."
"I feel like my old self again: totally inadequate, completely insecure, paranoid, neurotic. It's a pleasure."
"It's good to have you back."

"Hey, listen, do either of you guys know that blond guy who's always on the Exercycle at the heath club? You know, he's just really handsome?"
"I wouldn't know."
"You know, just admitting a man is handsome doesn't necessarily make you a homosexual."
"It doesn't help."

5 out of 5 Stars

TV: Seinfeld - 5th Season

DVD: 4 Discs


"This pirate trend she's come up with, Jerry... This is gonna be the new look of the '90s. You're gonna be the first pirate."
"But I don't want to be a pirate."

Review: Another great year that centered on George going home to live with his parents. The Pie, The Marine Biologist & The Opposite are the season's highlights.

"Just one little problem."
"Sexual?"
"Well... I've never really felt confident in, ah, one particular aspect."
"Below the equator?"
"Yeah."
"Nobody does. You know, nobody knows what to do. You just close your eyes and hope for the best. I really think they're happy if you just make the effort."
"I don't know. Last time I got the tap."

"Tragic story, I'm afraid. He could've had any woman in the world but none could match the beauty of his own hand. And that became his one true love."
"You mean, aah..."
"Yes. He was not master of his domain."
"But how..?"
"The muscles became so strained with overuse that eventually the hand locked into a deformed position. He was left with nothing but a claw."

"If a couple breaks up with plans to go to a neutral place, who withdraws? What's the etiquette?"
"Excellent question."
"I mean, I think she should withdraw. She's the breaker. He's the breakee. He needs to get on with his life."
"I beg to differ. He's the loser. She's the victor. To the victor belong the spoils."

"Jerry, this woman hates me so much... I'm starting to like her."
"What?"
"She just dislikes me so much... it's irresistible."
"I can see that."
"A woman that hates me this much comes along once in a lifetime."
"You're a lucky guy."
"I gotta go after her."

"You think she's Erica, the phone-sex woman?"
"Jerry, that voice is tattooed on my brain, it's her. I'm telling you, it's HER!"
"Oh, you're crazy."
"Am I? Or am I SO SANE that you just blew your mind?"
"It's impossible!"
"Is it? Or is it SO POSSIBLE that your head is spinning like a top?"
"It can't be!"
"Can't it? Or is your ENTIRE WORLD just crashing down all around you?"
"All right. That's enough."

"I don't know why your interested in this guy. He's a jerk."
"Because he doesn't pay any attention to me, and he ignores me."
"Yeah, so?"
"I respect that."

"Jerry and his buxom little friend, Rachel, were going at it pretty good in the balcony."
"What?"
"Do I have to spell it out for you? He was moving on her like the stormtroopers into Poland."
"Jerry was necking during Schindler's List?"
"YES. AND A MORE OFFENSIVE SPECTACLE I CANNOT RECALL."

"Elaine. Elaine! Get in here!"
"What?"
"Do women know about shrinkage?"
"What do you mean, like laundry?"
"No. Like when a man goes swimming... Afterwards..."
"It shrinks?"
"Like a frightened turtle."
"Why does it shrink?"
"It just does."
"I don't know how you guys walk around with those things."

5 out of 5 Stars

TV: Seinfeld - 4th Season

DVD: 4 Discs


"My mother caught me."
"Caught you? Doing what?"
"You know. I was alone..."

"So she's talking about her panties. So... aah... So I said, 'You mean the panties your mother laid out for you.'"
"The panties your mother laid out for you? What does that mean?"
"I don't know. It just popped out."
"Well, how did she react?"
"She flipped out. Just left."
"Well, that's not offensive. It's abnormal, but it's not offensive."

Review: This is the year Seinfeld went mainstream and there were so many great episodes. "The Contest" may be the single greatest episode in the entire series run. This is the first season that had a year-long plot with Jerry getting a sitcom deal with NBC.

"Please sit down. Could I offer you anything to drink? Coffee, anything?"
"Okay, yeah. I'll have a... Do you have a decaf cappuccino?"
"I don't think we have that."
"Well, that's a little strange."
"Why does that surprise you?"
"Well, it's a very popular drink."
"This is an office."
"That's true."

"So come on, you wanna go?"
"What about the sleeping arrangements... in the cabin?"
"Well... Same bed, and underwear and a T-shirt."
"What about me?"
"Well, you'd be naked, of course."

"I'm not married. I'm not allowed to go out with anybody else?"
"Depends."
"Depends on what?"
"On many factors."
"Like what?"
"Well, how long you've been seeing her. What's your phone-call frequency? Are you on a daily?"
"No. Semi-daily. Four, five times a week."
"What about Saturday nights, do you have to ask her out, or is the date implied?"
"Implied."
"She got anything in you medicine cabinet?"
"Might be some moisturizer."
"Ah-huh. Let me ask you this: Is there any Tampax in your house?"
"Yeaaah."
"Well, I'll tell you what you got here. You got yourself a girlfriend."
"Oh, no, no. WHAT? Are you sure, a GIRLFRIEND?"
"I'm looking at a guy in a semi-daily, with Tampax in his house and an implied date on Saturday night. I would like to help you out, but..."

"I am going over to her apartment and I'm telling her to put those shades down."
"Wait, wait, wait. What did you just say?"
"I can't take it anymore. She's driving me crazy. I can't sleep. I can't leave the house. I'm here, I'm climbing the walls. Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, I'm in this contest. Somethings gotta give."
"Do you hear what your saying? Can you hear it? This is a beautiful women walking around naked and you wanna tell her to stop? That's the dumbest thing I ever heard!"

"Who am I going to meet that's better than her? No one, Jerry. No one's better than her."
"When you were with her, you said you couldn't STAND her."
"I LOVE HER."
"You said going up the steps to her apartment was like being taken to a cell."
"I would give anything to be going UP those stairs again."

"Kramer goes to a fantasy camp. His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down $2,000 to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backward into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating. That's a fantasy camp."

5 out of 5 Stars

TV: Seinfeld - 3rd Season

DVD: 4 Discs


"I'm not ashamed of my body."
"Exactly. That's your problem. You should be."

Review: This was a good season, all the character were really hitting their stride, but the show had not yet broken out into a major hit. I remember trying to get friends to watch the show that year because they didn't know about it.

"I am breaking up with YOU."
"You can't break up with me, I've got Hand."
"And you're going to need it..."

"I'm not a lesbian. I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian."

"You're wasting your life."
"I am not. What you call wasting, I call living. I'm living my life."
"Ok, like what? No, tell me. Do you have a job?"
"No."
"You got money?"
"No."
"Do you have a woman?"
"No."
"Do you have any prospects?"
"No."
"You got anything on the horizon?"
"Uh, no."
"Do you have any action at all?"
"No."
"Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?"
"...I like to get the Daily News."

"Why don't you park in a garage?"
"Parking at a garage is like going to a prostitute. Why pay for it when you can apply yourself, and then may be you can get it for free."

5 out of 5 Stars

TV: Seinfeld - 1st & 2nd Seasons

DVD: 4 Discs


"Jerry, what gives you pleasure?"
"Listening to you. I come in here, I listen to you, I feel better. Your misery is my pleasure."

Review: Seasons 1 & 2 are different from the rest of the seasons, not worse but different. It is much slower paced and you can see that the writers and actors are still trying to find themselves, especially Kramer. I enjoyed watching Seinfeld from the beginning on TV and like revisiting these early episodes

"You know I've been thinking. I can not envision any circumstance in which I will ever have the opportunity to have sex again. How's it gonna happen...? I, I just don't see how it will occur."

"I don't know what it is about that mirror in that bathroom. I love the way I look in it... I feel like Robert Wagner."

"Well, you got insurance, right?"
"No."
"Well, why not?"
"Because I spent the money on the Clapco D-29, the state of the art in home security. It does have one design flaw; the door... MUST BE CLOSED."

"She invites me up at 12:00 at night for coffee. And I don't go up... 'No, thank you. I don't want coffee. It keeps me up. Too late for me to drink coffee.' I said this to her. People this stupid shouldn't be allowed to live."

"What is the point of all this?"
"Revenge."
"Oh, the best revenge is living well."
"There's no chance of that."

"Spending the night: Optional."
"Nah, you see? You got greedy."
"No, that's the rule. It's optional."
"I know less about woman... than anyone in the world. But the one thing I do know is, they are not happy if you don't spend the night. It could be a hot, sweaty room with no air conditioning and all they have is a little Army cot this wide. You're not going anywhere."
"I think you're wrong."
"I hope I am."

5 out of 5 Stars

Film: Revenge of the Nerds (1984)

DVD: Anamorphic


"Nerds saw me naked!"

Review: This movie hasn't aged as well as some other 80's comedy favorites, but the nostalgia factor makes up for it. The nerds actually look like nerds instead of good-looking actors being uglified. The plot is pretty bare but the characters make up for it with good performances.

"Well, let's get those nerds!"
"Nerds! NERDS!"

"Do any of you have dates, besides Gilbert?"
"I do!"
"Yeah, but that's with a guy."
"Well, what about you, Booger?"
"I've been combing the High Schools all day!"

"Wait - would you rather live in the ascendancy of a civilization or during it's decline?"

3 1/2 out 5 Stars