TV: Police Squad! - The Complete Series (1982)

DVD: 1 Disc


Review: The hilarious slapstick TV show that the Naked Gun movies were based, but it was cancelled after 6 episodes.

Quotes:
"Cigarette?"
"Yes, I know."

"My name is Sergeant Frank Drebin, Detective Lieutenant, Police Squad, a special division of the police force. I've just come from the stock yards. We've gotten reports of hundreds of cows had been senselessly slaughtered in the area, but I couldn't find any evidence. I stopped off for a hamburger and checked in with headquarters. There had been an apparent suicide. I went right to the scene. My boss was already there."

"Oh, poor Ralph. Do you know what it's like to be married to a wonderful man for fourteen years?"
"No, I can't say that I do. I... did... live with a guy once, but that was just for a couple of years. Usual slurs, rumors, innuendos. They didn't understand. Ran him out of town like a common pygmy. Sure... he was a physical education major, but he had a mind... He could think. He wasn't all muscle, all body, all sinewy limbs. He got married, you know, later had three kids. Never cared for her. Sent a nice gift, never got a note. I told him she was wrong. And that younger boy, just like his father. Football hero. Lived with him for a year. It wasn't the same. Can't go back."

"So Billy, the moisture in the air comes in contact with the cold pitcher and it forms water droplets, what we call condensation. Just like on your mother when she comes out of the shower, glistening with tiny little beads of... oh, hi Frank. That will be all for today, Billy. Next week we'll look into some interesting experiments with discard swimwear."
"Jeez, thanks, Mr. Olsen. Bye."

"Hey! What's the idea running my customer off?"
"We just want to have a little chat with you. You the new owner of this shop?"
"That's right. What can I do for you?"
"Nice place."
"Thank you."
"You know this is a rough neighborhood. Betcha you'd hate to see something happen to your little key store."
"What about my little keister?"
"Key store... You give us fifty bucks a week and we make sure your little place stays safe."
"I'm not interested."
"We hate to MAKE you interested."
"Get out of my shop! You get nothing from me."

"Answer the telephone. Pick it up."
"Hello."
"Hey Baby? Did you take care of that locksmith?
"You say what I tell you... Everything is taken care of."
"Everything is taken care of."
"That's my girl!"
"I'd sure like to see you."
"I'd sure like to see you."
"Sure thing, Baby. Do you still love me?"
"Of course I love you."
"Of course I love you."
"You don't sound like you mean it, lamikins."
"Of course I mean it, lamikins."
"Of course I mean it, lamikins."
"You really mean it, binki poo?"
"More than anything, schnooky lumps."
"More than anything, schnooky lumps."
"Schnooky lumps. Ooh, I like that. You never called me that before. What happened last night to bring this on?"
"When you held me in your manly arms and crushed me to your lips, I discovered what it meant to be a real women. When I think of your handsome face, your cruel lips, your strong chin, the way you touch, the way you smother me with..."
"Honey, I got to go. Meet me at my office tomorrow at three."
"All right, Darling."
"All right, Darling... What are you going to do now?"
"You and I are going down to headquarters."

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

TV: Planet Earth (2006)

Review: A nature documentary that gives an excellent overview of the many ecosystems throughout Planet Earth. Filmed with High Definition cameras, the visuals are spectacular. Some of my favorite episodes are Mountains, Fresh Water and Jungles.

5 out of 5 Stars

TV: Rome - 1st Season

DVD: 6 Discs - Widescreen 16x9


"Forculus, if you be the right god for this business here, I call on you to help me. If you will open this door, then I will kill for you a fine white lamb, or failing that, if I couldn't get one at a decent price, then six pigeons. This, Forculus, I vow to you."

Review: This is an amazing mini-series of Caesar's journey to become Emperor of Rome after his victory over the Gauls. Not only does it tell the story of the Civil War and the End of the Republic through the eyes of the nobles, but follows two soldiers from his Army as well. A very entertaining slice of history.

"Me, I have simpler tastes. I like to kill my enemy, take their gold and enjoy their women. That's it. Why tie yourself to one? Where's the flavor? Where's the joy?"
"Pullo, when was the last time you had a woman who wasn't crying or wanting payment?"

"My wife, she... You heard what she said, she hates me."
"What's your question?"
"How do I stop her from hating me, obviously?"
"It's not obvious. I thought you were making her hate you with a purpose."
"That was not my intent at all. Why would I do that?"
"Well, I don't know. You're the clever one, you. There might have been a thousand reasons."

"Caesar's scouts are only thirty miles from Rome. His speed is uncanny. Of course, he has only a very few men, which makes a fast pace easier. He is not leading an Army so much as an armed gang. It is all highly irregular, unethical even. Gods, it is not even the war season."
"Surely he does not think to attack Rome directly?"
"I think that is exactly what he will do."

"How happy, eh? To be a slave. To have no will. To make no decisions. Driftwood. How restful it must be."

"What's your price then?"
"1,000."
"Gerrae! I could have half the whores in Narbo for that, and their mothers."
"We're not in Narbo, whatever that might be."
"All right, my dove. We'll pay. But the girl better fuck him like Helen of Troy with her ass on fire, or I'll know the reason why."

"We will accept battle?"
"Certainly. Why not?"
"We are outnumbered 3 to 1 on foot and 5 to 1 on horse. What uninjured men we have are scared and hungry and desperate."
"That is the advantage we must press home."
"I was not aware irony had military usage."
"We must win or die. Pompey's men have other options."

"Enough. I am your son, but not your child. You will not strike me anymore."
"Will I not? You fucked your sister, you little pervert! Don't tell me what I will and will not do!"

"As some of you know, Caesar and I have had our disagreements. However that may be, he has shown himself to be as wise and merciful in victory as he was invincible in battle. Let this be an end to division and civil strife. I willingly pledge my loyalty to him, and I urge you all to do the same."

"The people, simple souls that they are, have made great heroes out of you and Pullo. If I were to punish you, the people would be made extremely angry. But I do not wish to make the people angry, ergo, I cannot punish you. If I cannot punish you, I must reward you, else I seem weak. By popular acclaim, I shall name Lucius Vorenus a Senator of Rome."

"Gentlemen, this is not some cheap murder! It is an honorable thing that we do, and it must be done honorably. In daylight. On the Senate floor. With our own hand... With my hand."

5 out of 5 Stars

TV: Perfect Strangers - 1st & 2nd Seasons

DVD: 4 Discs


"Color TV!"
"Yeah, haven't you ever seen color TV before?"
"Of course I have. Don't be ridiculous. BLUE!!!"

Review: This is a show where the actors' delivery of the lines & physical comedy trumps the show's average writing. I find myself laughing and smiling at the antics of immigrant Balki and his cousin, Larry, in spite of the groan-inducing lesson that must be learned at the end of each episode. I can't get enough of the cheesy theme song at the start of each episode either.

Maybe it is the fact the show was recorded on video instead of film, but this has the worst visual quality of any TV on DVD I have yet seen of an older show. Still not as bad as broadcast quality though.

"Balki, meet Susan. She's our neighbor."
"Hi. Nice to meet you."
"Would it be impolite to ask if I could be your slave for life?"
"Well, uh, I think that's illegal... Oh, he's cute."
"This cute Mediterranean boy means every groveling word. Take me and do with me what you will."

"The least I can do is make you better for your date. Now, the wolf bane is for your runny nose. The pumpkin mold is for your cough. And the garlic just makes you feel good all over."
"And I bet it keeps away vampires."
"Well, that's a side benefit."
"Balki, why don't you go into the kitchen and try to turn some lead into gold? Leave me alone."

"What's wrong with Vegas?"
"Are you kidding? Vegas is a moral wasteland. It goes against everything I was ever told I believe in."

"I had no idea my date would make your life so complicated."
"Don't worry about it. Everything makes my life complicated."

"Nobody can survive like this."
"You know the trouble with you Americans is you can't take a little hardship. You know, in Mypos, we lived with it constantly. Take the Great Alfalfa Famine of '82. Hungry sheep staring into space. Hungry men staring back at them."

"Cousin, here's a shot in the dark. Why don't you ask her?"
"Just ask her? Balki, Balki, Balki. You have to read women. You have to interpret the subtle nuances of what they say or don't say. The way they look at you or don't look at you. The way they touch you or, in my case... don't touch you."
"Boy, life is hard work for you."

"I'm feeling sorry for myself. If you were a real friend, you'd join in."

"Now we are so happy, we do the Dance of Joy."

4 out of 5 Stars

TV: Picket Fences - 1st Season

DVD: 6 Discs


"Greetings to Rome's finest. Douglas Wambaugh here to see the Sheriff."
"What do you want Doug?"
"Phil Banks had a bad ticker. They stuck him in a hot metal suit. There's got to be SOMEONE to sue."
"Get out."

Review: This show fluctuates between genius and just-average depending on the episode and the topic this first season. It's at it's best in the police station and in the courtroom, but the show struggles a bit when it concentrates on the family children's problems. The writers are excellent at balancing each side of an issue so the viewer really has to think. Ray Walston is excellent as Judge Bone and I love his interactions with the lawyer, Wambaugh. Tom Skerrit and Kathy Baker as great as well as the Town Sheriff and Doctor.

"It occurred to me how you and I don't talk like we used to. You know, why don't you sit here on my lap for a second like the old days. Come on."
"You called me down here to sit on your lap?"
"Get over here. Come on. Nothing's wrong. I just want to talk... You remember when you were little, and you'd sit on my lap and we'd talk about the clouds and how giraffes got long necks? Honey, are you sexually active?"

"The truth is, he probably would be a good administrator. More effective than you or me. I just have this feeling with Wambaugh the town would be a hell of a lot more efficient, but the people not quite so proud to live here."

"Kenny, you and I aren't bad-looking people. When you're having sex and there's nobody else there, do you ever think of me?"
"Do you ever think about me?"
"Maybe. A couple of times. When you were thinner. What about you? With me?"
"Once."
"Just once?"
"I don't commit"
"How was I?

"We're senior citizens, Miriam. All we're supposed to do is eat, sleep and watch TV together. We're not expected to notice one another."

"Oh, don't try to second-guess yourself, Jimmy. Everybody agrees with what you've said and done."
"Well, that either makes me more right or just more dangerous."

"Okay, Ginny, help me slide over to my desk."
"Why?"
"Because I've got a hostage-negotiation handbook right by my phone."
"Why didn't you read it before?"

"The warrantless search was unconstitutional, and everything that came after it, including the confession, is poisonous fruits and inadmissible. The case against Mr. Lebeck is dismissed without prejudice."
"How can you put him back on the street?"
"I'm following the law. What YOU did puts him back on the streets."

"Release him. Stealing a duck is a misdemeanor. You can't lock him up for that."
"He didn't just steal it. He chopped its head off and drained its blood. What do you call that?"
"If it was a turkey, I'd call it Thanksgiving."
"This is a Satanic cult, Jimmy. We have to shut them down."

"Your Honor, may I say that the people here are deeply moved and touched by your first ruling. I hope you don't blow it with the next one."
"The next one, Mr. Wambaugh, will be to hold you in contempt if you don't shut up."

4 out of 5 Stars

TV: Raw

DVD: Enhanced 16x9


"Somebody told me that Mr. T was mad at me and I got worried. Then I thought, I've seen his movies and he don't seem too bright, so I'll use the old Jedi mind trick on him. So, I met him at a party and he said 'Hey boy, hear you been talkin' about me!' No, I haven't. 'Okay, you haven't been talkin' about me.'"

Review: This is a great stand-up performance by Eddie, but I always find the last 15-20 minutes of Eddie playing his drunk father on the phone a boring letdown for the end.

"Now I can't have no 'curse' show, I mean I gotta throw in a few jokes in between the curses, I can't come out and go "Hello! Filth flar'n filth, motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot, and shit. Good night!"

4 out of 5 Stars