TV: Undeclared - The Complete Series (2001)

DVD: 4 Discs


Review: After the failure of Freaks and Geeks, this one-season show was the second TV series for Judd Apatow. Centering around the life of a college freshman and his dorm-mates, I liked this comedy much better than his first.

Quotes:
"Um, excuse me. We're like having a party tonight. Do you like want to come?"
"Oh, I'm a senior."
"Oh, that's cool."
"No sweetie, that means I'm not coming to your party."
"Wow! That sucked."

"From now on, we have total freedom. And now is the time in our lives when we are supposed to be experiencing everything."
"Exactly. Exactly. Like I can stay up to 11 now."
"And I can pierce anything I want."
"Yeah and, um, I can watch as much TV as I want to, you know, and eat candy all day."
"You know what we should do?"
"What?"
"We should have sex."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah. For fun."
"Yeah, for fun. Right. Okay."
"Do you have a condom?"
"I have eight condoms."

"There's a scrunchie on the door."
"And I'm not in there... Wow!"

"I like the girl."
"Steven, women are crazy. You don't want to enter into a situation that makes them even crazier. Now, pardon me, but look at your mother. She seemed completely sane at the beginning. Now the girl you like, she's already starting at halfway nuts."
"Thanks Dad."
"We're ya going? Where ya... Okay, ignore the voice of experience."

"Aren't there any men on this campus?"
"What about Lloyd?"
"No, I don't like guys like that."
"Super hot English guys?"
"Pretty boys. They are so boring. I want to meet someone with personality. Depth."
"Oh, you mean an ugly guy?"
"Shut up, you're so shallow."
"What?! I had sex with Steven."
"Yeah, that's true."

"How did you get so smart?"
"Uh, I uh, I read, I read like 8 or 9 books a week."
"Wow!"
"I also do a lot of speed. All the time."

"What do you think?"
"Is that as big as your, uh, your boobs get?"
"Oh! I have a shirt for that!"

"The guys who make this magazine are geniuses. It's like they made it just for me, you know? Hey Ron, what do you want to read about this week? Another article about Alyssa Milano's jugs? Perfect! That's what we'll make. You know, right there."

"She's going to call my mother! My parents are crazy! They're psychiatrists and they will put me on anti-depressants. I'll lose my highs and my lows and I'll have to live in the middle."

"He's afraid of commitment, that's cool."
"How about this? I'm exploring my options."
"Lizzie... Your right hand... Those are your options."

"What were some things that mom always wanted you to do but you never did?"
"I don't know... learn to read minds!"

"Theo, I am sorry I blew you off tonight."
"That's okay. I had a really awesome time tonight. I danced with a really hot girl and I almost touched her butt twice and she didn't even get mad."

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

TV: The Tudors - 1st Season (2007)

Enhanced 16x9 (4 Discs)


Review: A dramatic telling of Henry VIII as the young king of England as he pursues Anne Boleyn. This first season concerns Cardinal Wolsey's attempts to get an annulment from the Pope for King Henry and Queen Catherine's marriage. While the show takes a lot of artistic license, it is entertaining and interested me into learning more of the actual history.

Quotes:
"I intend to be a just ruler."

"Though I love Your Majesty and I'm loyal to you, in every way, I cannot disguise my distress and unhappiness."
"Well, you're going to have to."

"Is he handsome?"
"He certainly thinks so."
"Is he vain?"
"Your Majesty, he's French."

"Ah, Mr. Pace. I trust you're keeping a good eye on my interests?"
"Of course, Your Eminence. Like an eagle."
"I don't want an eagle, Mr. Pace. They can soar too high. Be a pigeon, and shit on everything."

"As a humanist, I have an abhorrence of war."
"As a king, I am forced to disagree."

"I won't sign it! I won't sign the treaty! Tell them I won't sign it!"
"Your Majesty..."
"Tell them!"
"Fine!! If you want the world to know that the King of England is easily changeable, shallow, intemperate, incapable of keeping his word! Then of course I will go and tell them. After all, I am merely Your Majesty's humble servant! "

"What we lack in men, we can more than make up for in ships. We are an island race, Cardinal. We have the best and bravest sailors in the world. I will have the greatest navy."

"Lady Anne, what are you doing here?"
"I have an audience with His Majesty?"
"What would a silly girl like you have to say to a king?"

"I make you this promise. When we are married, I will deliver you a son."

"Is this not Mademoiselle Anne? Enchanté. His Eminence, Cardinal Wolsey, has told me all about you, but he did not tell me how beautiful you are. For a Frenchman, that is almost a crime."
"But the French tell every woman she is beautiful. Is this not a crime also?"

"Your Majesty, I beg that you yield to the King's will."
"And what is his will?"
"As His Eminence proposes, that you join a religious community of your choosing and take a vow of perpetual chastity."
"You speak to me of chastity. Have you not a mistress and two children, Your Eminence?"

"I want you to go to Rome Mr. Cromwell. I want you to force his fucking holiness into submission. If necessary by telling him that if he does not grant me my fucking annulment, then England will withdraw its submission to Rome and I will withdraw my allegiance to him."

"Have you no kind things to say?"
"Kind?"
"To your wife, the mother of your child. You treat me so unkindly and in public neglect me."
"Katherine, you must accept the inevitable. The weight of academic opinion is against us. We were never legally man and wife. And the court will decide in my favour and if the court does not decide in my favour, I shall denounce the pope as a heretic and marry whom I please."

"I am... reminded of something Wolsey once told me. That I should only ever tell the king what he ought to do, not what he could do; for if the lion knows his own strength, no man could control him."

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

TV: That '70s Show - 2nd Season (1999-2000)

DVD: 4 Discs


Review: This was the season where Eric and Donna finally do it and Michael and Jackie break up. Tommy Chong joined the cast this year as Hyde's boss at the photomat. Some of the best episodes are "Vanstock", "Hunting", & "Parents Find Out".

Quotes:
"You moron, a girl movie is a make-out movie."
""Well, then, I'm in."
"Me too. I will come and watch."

"Wait, Fez, what are you doing?"
"You're a dead man!!"
"Could I have avoided this? Let's review. First, Jackie said I was funny. Next, she ate popcorn from my groin. Then, I sucked her face. Nope, it was meant to be."

"Guy, guys, this thing is like a bedroom on wheels. No more, Michael, the backseat is too small. Michael, you're on my hair. Michael, your choking me. That's over!"

"Okay, that's it. You must let me in."
"Why?"
"Because I feel the hot rhythm of disco burning in my loins. Watch."
"Okay, you're in."
"So long, Losers!"

"Excuse me. May I please have a hickey, please."
"No."
"Please?"
"No!"
"Jackie?"
"No."
"Please?"
"No!"
"So... the two of you do things to please your man. Well, Fez is a man. Why will you not please him? Why?"
"Jackie, just give him a hickey!"
"I'm leaving!"

"You mean, you were in his bed and he didn't whine and beg for, like, two hours until you were so sick of hearing his stupid voice that you just gave in so he would shut up?"
"No."

"This way there will be even more things to remind you of me. Don't you like thinking of me?"
"No, of course I do. The thing is... How can I say this without hurting your feelings? Oh, okay. I don't want your stupid things in my cool van."

"Donna wouldn't even talk to me. She just kept sticking her tongue down my throat."
"Oh, boo hoo, Forman. You get to fool around with a totally hot chick and never have to talk about her feelings. You poor French-kissing bastard."
"Yeah, Hyde's right. One time I asked Jackie what was wrong and she didn't shut up for, like, three straight days."

"You really think I've been yelling at you for 17 years?"
"No... You were probably okay with me as an infant. I just can't remember."
"Boy, it was right around thirteen when you started gettin' a little lippy... and twitchy."

"Ever since I threatened to tell Jackie about the two of us, you've seemed distant."
"Laurie, that's just crazy. All right? You blackmailing me... It's just brought us closer together."

"It was great. It just wasn't what I expected. I don't think we did it right."
"So, Eric's not good?"
"It was more like... like neither of us were good."
"Donna, it's not up to the woman to be good."

"How come you never go to church?"
"Eric... God and I had a heart-to-heart while I watched my destroyer go down in the South Pacific. We're real good... You're not. Go!"

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

TV: Saturday Night Live - The Best of Eddie Murphy

DVD: 1 Disc


"Should I get in the hot tub? / Will it make me sweat? / Should I get in the hot tub? / Will it make me wet? / Well, Well, Well... Hot tub! / Here I go! / I'm gonna get in the water! / Gonna make me sweat! / I'm going in the hot tub! / HEEEEEEY!!!!! / Too hot in the hot tub! / Burn myself! / Make it cooler, good God! / I'm going to get in the hot tub. / I'm gonna get in the hot tub."

Review: This is a good collection of Saturday Night Live skits with Eddie Murphy. I forgot how much of his humor comes from his singing ability which he uses to great effect in several funny skits.

"Will you be mine? / Won't you be mine? / Won't you be my neighbor? / Hello, boys and girls. We're all alone today. You know why? My wife walked out on me. Isn't that nice? I'm so glad the bitch is gone. I can't..."
[RING, RING, RING]
"Who can that be? Let's see. This is how you answer the door in my neighborhood... WHO IS IT?!!!!"

"Hi, I'm Buh-Weet. Member me? I have complied for you and your nistening pleasure some of my pavorite songs. It's all here in this unpectacular offer, 'Buh-Weet Sings'. Take a wisten... Unce, Tice, Fee Tines a Mady."
"Yes, there all here."
"Wookin' Pa Nub in All Da Wong Places. / Wookin' Pa Nub."
"Once Buckwheat sings a song, it's eternally his."
"It Dat Deada Dabba, Dan on a Dina an Die / Made a Day fa Eyieee."

"Hello my name is Professor Shabazz K Martin. In 1895, at the Tuskegee Institute in Alabama, a BLACK MAN named George Washington Carver developed a new method of soul... SOIL improvement through crop rotation."
"Soul? Hee! Hee!"
"So I messed up. SHUT UP!!! STOP CLAPPING before you make me smile!"

"Look, look, Raheem. I'm not Opie Taylor and I'm not Richie Cunningham. I'm Ron Howard. I'm a grown man. Did you know I'm directing now? Did you see the movie I have out, Night Shift?"
"Was there any black people in it?"
"No."
"I didn't see it then. What was it about?"
"Oh well, it was a story about these two pimps..."
"It was a story about two pimps and wasn't no brothers in it. I don't know whether to say, Thank You, or punch you in your mouth, man."

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

TV: Sanford and Son - 3rd Season

DVD: 3 Discs


"You know something, Pop. Watching all that television is bad for your eyes. You know what you should do, you should take a nice, long leisurely walk out in the night air. It would be good for you."
"Yeah, out in that healthy smog and with those friendly muggers."

Review: Another great season of Sanford and Son. Superflyer is hilarious. Too bad Redd Foxx is missing from the last six episodes due to a contract dispute.

"Oh! This is the big one! This is the big one, my son is choking a white woman. Here that, Elizabeth. I coming to join ya, honey... with a fat friend."

"Rollo and I need you to do us a little favor."
"Look. Number one, I don't do no favors after six o'clock in the evening. Two, I ain't got no money. Three, I ain't harboring any fugitives from justice. And four... Bye."

"Ain't it funny how even the worst of heathens tries to get righteous when they feel the Lord is about to tap them on the shoulder."
"Listen, Ester. If I wasn't so sick, I give you one of these across your ugly lips."
"Who are you calling ugly, Sucker?
"I'm calling you ugly. I could stick your face in some dough and make some gorilla cookies."

"Don't leave me! Don't leave me, son! That's what they do with old Eskimos. They put them out on a big block of ice and let them float out to sea until they freeze to death."
"You're gonna wish you had a block of ice where you're going."

"Julio's been bringing in a lot of tires lately and I've been bringing in a lot of used automobile parts. And we're going to combine our resources and specialize in selling used auto parts. It'll be like a sideline business."
"This is your business, Sanford and Son. This is both our business"
"Pop, We'll still have this business."
"Listen, but I built this empire for YOU. I even named it after you. AND Son."

"A Crucifix, a St. Christopher's Medal, a Star of David, a Crescent of Islam and a Budda?"
"And a Mojo."
"What do you need all these things for?"
"It's flight insurance. See, down here on the ground, I'm a Baptist. But up there, I ain't taking no chances."

"What?! Ol' Gorilla Face is going to be at my wedding? Is she going to bring Woody the Wino?"
"I believe so."
"That does it. Now I am going to have to hide my ripple, my gin, my scotch, my bourbon, my rye. I got to hide my bug spray, my Drano... I hope she don't tell anybody else."

"You're a dirty old man, you know that?"
"And I'm going to be one until I'm a dead old man."

"Pop, you're not really going to have that party here, are you? I mean, I know you're not going to have it here."
"Oh no? You just watch me. This is just the beginning. See, I intend to party lightly, slightly, politely, and if possible, all-nightly."

"What do you got on?"
"It's a Super Fly Suit, what'd it look like?"
"Where did you get that thing from anyway?"
"This ain't no thing. And I got it down the street at a 'Going Back to Jail' sale. It only cost me six bucks and the guy who sold it to me got six months."

"Is it possible for somebody to have, say, three or four heart attacks a day."
"No, I sure doubt it. After the second, they would probably be dead. One big one and it's all over."
"Then it's not likely for somebody to average 26 big ones a week, huh?"
"No, that's unbelievable."
"I thought so too."

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

TV: Sanford and Son - 2nd Season

DVD: 3 Discs


"Ethel, how'd you like one across your lip?"

Review: Redd Foxx is hilarious as Fred Sanford, the lazy owner of junkyard in LA. His comedic sense of timing and delivery is impeccable and timeless. Demond Wilson plays a great straight man as Fred's son, Lamont.

"Now listen, if you try to run off with my truck and try to cash that check, I'll find you. Might take me a week, might take me a month, might take me years. But one day, maybe 50 years from now, you'll be walkin' down the street and when you least expect it, a 115-year old man gonna jump out of the alley with a two-by-four and cave your skull in. Now, come on and get to work."

"Hucklebuck is in used cars, Pop. He buys and sells."
"You sure he doesn't steal and repaint?"

"Listen, let me tell you. You know that old saying, A fool and his money are soon parted? Well, it won't be long now, fool."

"I think the stakes are a little too high for you, Papa Sanford."
"Oh, I got money now. Wait a minute. Look here. I got money. Safe... Door... Combination... Open... Shoebox... Top... Mason Jar... Sock... Woolite... Mint... Government. Is that enough?"

"Help! It's a burglar! Help! I got him! I got him! Give me the baseball bat!"
"Pop! Pop, you've got Rollo!"
"What's wrong with you, Pops?"
"Ain't nothing wrong with me. When I'm being robbed, I grab the nearest throat."

"Sit in this chair, Mr. Sanford."
"What we gonna do, eat now?"
"This just a little protection. The dentist will be with you in just a moment."
"Did you hear that? Just for protection. It's for blood.
"Stop. It is not."
"It is. See? They butcher your mouth, then you lean over here and bleed in this sink. And when it's finished draining out ya, there you are, dead."

"Get out of there. Get on out of there before I give you a wood shampoo."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be trespassing."
"Well, that's what you're doing is trespassing. Hit the road, Jack."

"It's the phone company. They say if we don't pay the bill, they're going to cut it off."
"Gimme that. Hello? Yeah, this is Fred Sanford. Yeah, the phone is listed in my name. Say listen, what makes you folks think you can call me and cut somebody's phone off just because they're a little bit behind in their bill? I need my phone for my place of business. That's right. I wish one of you would come over here and try to cut my phone off. I'll put my foot in your... Hello? Hello? It's dead."

"The way you talk to your father is deplorable. No, it is inexcusable. In my country, such behavior is unheard of. You would be beaten."
"I wish I had you in Nigeria. I'd knock you out."

"We'll take care of him. He'll be in good hands. Oh, why don't I show you to your room, Mr. Sanford. All right? I have this nice room right across the hall from me. Won't that be cozy?"
"Just don't start any funny stuff. See, you might be fully integrated, but I ain't crossed that bridge yet."

"Where you been so long?"
"Fighting crime in the streets, Mr. Sanford. We are gonna get to the point where people can walk anywhere in Los Angeles."
"Yeah, but they'll still be running in Watts."

5 out of 5 Stars

TV: Sanford and Son - 1st Season (1972)

DVD: 2 Discs


"I do run this joint, and I work just as hard as you do, maybe harder. I do. Sortin', arrangin', sellin'. Coordinate. That's what I do. I coordinate here. I coordinate everything in here."

Review: This 1st season hit it's stride right near the beginning. Very funny.

"Pop, you ain't even dressed! Ain't you gonna cook breakfast?"
"I ain't cooking nothing. I'm retired."
"Retired?"
"Yeah, I applied for Social Security. And you know how much I'll be getting? They pay high as $213.10. That's enough for me to retire. I ain't doin' nothing for you and nobody else. You're lookin' at a man of leisure."

"I don't understand it, Pop. She was so sweet."
"Yeah, sweet before the wedding. Then after the wedding, she'd be just like her mama. King Kong in bloomers.

"Hazel, how would like one across your lip? You know, I don't mind givin' a lady one across the lip."
"And that'll be the last time you give somethin' across the lips."
"No, it won't."
"Oh yes, it will."
"If I hit you in the mouth, I bet your lips get to the hospital before the ambulance."
"No, they won't"
"Listen, I fought heavyweights before, you know."

"A bible? Pop, you stole a Bible? We got a Bible upstairs. You don't need this."
"Well, we'll use this one downstairs. That way we'll have full coverage."
"Pop, it says right here in this book, Thou shall not steal."
"And it also says in this book, The meek shall inherit the earth. So you got to start somewhere."

"Every time I bring some chick home, you find some way of lousin' it up."
"You know that's not true. When you bring a girl home I go upstairs or go in the kitchen and shut the door."
"Yeah, with your eyeball pressed up against the keyhole."
"Are you kidding? I wouldn't waste my time with an amateur like you. I can see more sex on the 6 o'clock news."
"Well, if I am an amateur, it's 'cause I never get no practice. You're always in the way, Pop."

"I don't understand you kids today. If I'd talk to my father like you talk to me, you know what he'd have done?"
"Yeah, he'd have given you one across the lip."
"That's right, and continue on down from there. When he whipped, he whipped from the lips to the hips."

"Look at this trash."
"Trash? This is good. This is aluminum."
"Alulimum? That's nothing but old pot metal. Ain't worth nothing. How long have you been with me now, Lamont?"
"What do you mean, how long have I been with you? Since I was born."
"Has it been that long?"

"Well, no, I didn't mean to call you no clucking duck. What I meant was, like a cackling hen. No, Donna, wait a minute, honey. Don't cry. Don't cry, please."

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

TV: Scrubs - 3rd Season

DVD: 3 Discs


"I cannot figure out what's wrong with Mrs. Farr. I gotta go ask Cox."
"Why wouldn't you ask me?"
"Because you're a surgeon. You just cut people up. You don't actually know anything."
"Oh, yeah."

Review: Another good year that builds to Turk and Carla's wedding at the end. J.D. spends the season pining after Elliot who is finally in a serious, but long-distance relationship with a marine biologist. It is not as clever as the first two years, but has not gotten too repetitive like the later seasons.

"I'm just going to show Sean that he will always come first."
"Gosh, I hate to interrupt this one-gal pep rally, Barbie, but I give this guy two weeks, three if you are just terrific in the sack."
"Well, then, it's three. Uh... I mean, you're wrong."

"I miss Sean. This long-distance thing is killing me."
"Well, are you having phone sex?"
"Uh... Gross. Have you and Turk ever done it?"
"Last year when he went home for the holidays I gave him a call. You'd be surprised how Turk's 11-year-old nephew sounds like him, and how worldly he is."

"Thank God! We just dodged a bullet because I am nowhere near ready to perform this type of procedure solo. I would have been terrified, you guys would have sensed it and it would've been a horrible experience for all of us."
"Dr. DiStefano is stuck in surgery. It's all on you, Dr. Turk."
"Piece of cake. Who's with me? Come on!!!"

"So did you break up with her?"
"I was going to last night but I looked into her eyes and I realized how rare it is to meet someone who's willing to have sex with me."

"Shower shorts?"
"For the man who has nothing to hide, but still wants to."

"I guess I could go home, but there's plenty of important stuff I need to to do around here. Hey Laverne, what would you give me if I get this jelly bean into your cleavage?"
"A concussion."

"Mr. Corman, you're not even feeling bad. You don't need this scan. If it would make you happy, we could do the same thing we've done the last 50 times you've been here. Take your temperature and blood and give you a rectal. Your basic Ah, Ow, Oooo!"

4 out of 5 Stars

TV: Scrubs - 2nd Season

DVD: 2 Discs


"Good job, D.J."
"You know, it's J.D., okay? At least I remember the names of all my sexual partners."
"Well, I'm sure that girl from high school and your bunk mate from Camp Morning Wood are both extremely grateful."
"Camp Meadow Wood."

Review: The second season of Scrubs continued strongly as it followed the Doctors becoming Residents in the hospital. This year concentrated more on the relationships of the characters. Amy Smart was great as the T.C.W.

"I owe you one. I'm helping you out."
"This isn't like being a janitor. It's not something everybody can do."
"Oh, so you can do my stuff, but I can't do yours? Okay, hotshot, what would you use to get a coffee stain up off a tiled floor?"
"I don't know. The rough side of a sponge?"
"Damn it."

"So we're even, right?"
"Even? I told a nurse you switched her shift. You babbled all my crazy to the person I plan on spending the rest of my life with."
"I could spend the rest of my life with Lauren, or at least with her tushie. I just want to wash it. Is that weird?"

"Sharp coat, sport."
"Shocker, Big Bob! You care more about appearances than..."
"Better finish that thought quickly, Perry. I'm not breaking my gait."
"...just saying, substance, style, what's important, coat, not..."
"Ha, ha. Too slow."

"T-dog, settle a medical debate for us. I think Elliot's got a modest rack at best. But my favorite attending here says that when he was tuning in Tokyo the other night, the reception was excellent."
"Guys, Elliot's a friend of mine, so I don't want to talk about that. Okay?"
"So, Dr. Turk, how is your back?"
"My back's as swollen as Elliot's big-ass breasts, Sir."

"Look, I don't have time right now to be the 100-watt bulb for your annoying little moth, so if you could just fly away, that'd be great. Just fly away."

"You know what we could do? We could have sex again. I'm throwing it out there."
"Bite me."
"Oh, come on, I'm sorry. I was kidding. It's a joke."
"No, I mean it. Like you did last night. Come bite me."

"Awww, damn! I missed the annual sleepover, didn't I? That wonderful time of year when you two crazy kids throw caution to the wind and make sweet, elbowy love to each other. Don't be shy. You can tell Uncle Coxy about the naught-ay."

"You know, sir, Dr. Townsend was telling me you have some great old stories about the hospital. I'd love to hear one sometime."
"Well, what the hell. Back in '68... I don't like you. The end."
"He tells that one a lot."

"I don't know that many straight guys that wear cologne."
"I'm down to one spritz."

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

TV: Scrubs - 1st Season (2001)

DVD: 3 Discs


Review: A comedic take on a medical show based around a group of first year interns working at a hospital and the main character, J.D., who has a wild imagination.

Quotes:
"And like that, I was back in high school. Surgical interns are all slice 'em and dice 'em. They're the jocks. Medical interns, we're trained to think about the body. Diagnose, test. Medical interns, well... we're the chess club."

"Write this down, newbie. If you push around a stiff, nobody'll ask you to do anything."

"I'm waiting for someone."
"The door is broke. Probably the fifth time or so it don't open."
"Maybe there's a penny stuck in there."
"Why a penny?"
"I don't know."
"Did you stick a penny in it?"
"No, I was making small talk."
"If I find a penny in there... I'm taking you down."

"It turns out we can't save people from themselves. We just treat 'em and when he comes back with cancer, go ahead and treat that, too. Smokers, drinkers, druggies, fatties, whatever. All I'm saying is if you keep living and dying on whether or not a person changes, well, you're not going to make it as a doctor, that's all."

"How's it going?"
"I'm 37 years old and I'm a janitor. How do you think it's going?"
"Now there is nothing wrong with being a janitor."
"Really? Thank you. You've turned my life around. I have to go tell my janitor wife and all my janitor kids that life is worth living. And that comes straight from our hero, Dr. Whozits, Dr. Nothing. No, seriously, come on. You can come over to my humble house and point out things that are cheap."

"I have magic breasts."

I'm very proud of you, Dr... uh... Dr. Turk!"
"Oh, this is my roommate's badge, so we must have switched them this morning when we..."
"That's a great anecdote, you should write that down in your journal so your kids can read it when you're dead."

"Since I cut you loose, it's been one big party."
"In the next five seconds, name one place, other than the hospital and your apartment, that you've been to in the last month. Five... four... three... two..."
"My car... on the way to the... big party."

"Doctor Cox! I pulled all the x-rays you asked for, so I am yours for the night. Do whatever you want with me. Oh my God, that totally came out wrong I just meant I want you to use me and I don't care how degrading it is."
"What?"
"No, no, no, it's just that I know that you like torturing people and I am totally up for that. I just want to make you happy."

"Bravo, just a big bravo! Heaven help me, I love newbie theatre! Honest, I do! It's the way you both play your parts, with such wonderful commitment, that almost had me believing that you aren't having whiny, neurotic, extremely pale sex with each other."

"Why hasn't he asked me out? I mean, he knows I'm single, I've mentioned, like, five movies that I want to see, I even keep dropping things so that when I pick them up he can see how flexible I am!"

"Who gets to tell us the symptoms of Menier's Disease? Dr. Murphy!"
"Can you use it in a sentence?"

"I just wanna know... if I can buy you dinner."
"That'd be terrific."
"Great! I'm off in, like, a half hour."
"Oh, no. Here, I was led to believe that you were doing a gift certificate kind of thing. But, to sit and eat... with you, that's just... that's crazy talk!"

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

TV: Saturday Night Live - The Best of Will Ferrell, Vol. 2

DVD: 1 Disc


"And don't forget France. The French don't like me saying Axis of Evil. So guess what, they're now part of the very same Axis of Evil that they don't like me saying. How do you like them apples, France? Next time you keep your mouth shut. You mess with Texas and it's straight to the Axis of Evil. Got it?"

Review: This is a good mix of very funny Will Ferrell skits with a few average ones thrown in to pad it out. The extra never-before-seen skits are quite funny as well as the included interviews with Conan O'Brien.

"That evening, Virginia and I made love so powerful methinks I heard the god, Zeus, chuckling from on high."
"And I was there."
"Do you mean?"
"Bingo! We did a three-way."
"Now mind you, Catherine, this was looong time ago."
"Yes, yes, this was a year and a half ago."
"Gross!"

"Just work here. Take some time to weigh the Pros and Cons. Pros - You'll be working for a slightly above-average in-flight magazine for 22,000 a year. Cons - Me kicking you till there's blood in your stool, then grabbing your wife's boobies while you're tied up with a racquetball shoved in your mouth. Now balance it out and just think about it."
"I am, I just don't think I want to work here."
"Fair enough, ordinarily I'd whip your nuts with a car antenna for that kind of attitude, but you thought about it and you don't want to work here."

"I'm sorry, you have the wrong number. No, there's no 'Mark' here. My name? It's Mark. No... I spell it with a C. Who put you up to this? What do you mean you're my 'wife'? O-kay... if you're my 'wife', what's our cat's name? Mr. Stitches... Damn, you're good!"

"You're not suggesting?"
"That's right, a Pose-Off."
"Very well then. A Pose-Off it is. Have at thee!!"
"I call this one, Sunday in the Park with my Appendectomy Scar."
"Here's a little something I call, One Ball for Sister Sarah."
"All right, okay! That's enough! Enough! I want both you out of here now and I never to see either one of you at this community college again."

4 out of 5 Stars

TV: Saturday Night Live - The Best of Will Ferrell, Vol. 1

DVD: 1 Disc


"Okay, wait. Wait! Stop! Um, Bruce, could you come in here for a second, please?"
"Certainly. That was gonna be a great track. Guys, what's the deal?"
"Are you sure that was sounding okay?"
"I'll be honest, fellas. It was sounding great, but I could of used a little more cowbell. So, let's take it again. And Gene..."
"Yeah?"
"Really explore the studio space this time."
"You got it, Bruce."
"I mean, really... explore the SPACE. I like what I'm hearing. Go with it."

Review: This is a very strong collection of Will Ferrell skits from Saturday Night Live. I liked the extras which included his audition to join the show. My only disappointment was the three chapters on the DVD which showed brief clips of skits instead of their full length versions.

"I've gone out and done the musical world a freakin service and cut this compact disc. It's called The Coconut Bangers Ball: It's a Rap. Ha, Ha, Ha. A little inside, I know. Anyway, what you get is one full hour of rip-roaring rap music. Not by some dubious ruffians without the chops, but by a professionally trained voiceman. No musical accompaniment. It's just me out there, Robert Goulet. Watch what I do with this little ditty from Mr. Sisqo called, The Thong Song."

"Hey, now Ken, we all know that the moon is not made of green cheese."
"Yes, that's true, Harry."
"But what if it were made of BBQ spare ribs, would you eat it then?"
"What?"
"I know I would. Heck, I'd have seconds. And then polish it off with a tall, cool Budweiser... I would do it. Would you?"
"I... I... I'm confused."
"It's a simple question, Doctor. Would you eat the moon if it were made of ribs?"
"I don't know how to answer that question."
"It's not rocket science. Just say yes and we'll move on."

"Nothing pleases me more than seeing two new lovers take off into the night mist."
"Yes, Lover, I think there is only one reward for the job we've done."
"Let the screams of our love-making reverberate off the roof of the Welshly Arms and into the night sky."
"Oh, Lover. Oh, Lover."
"Ow, Ow! My back!"
"What? Your back? I thought the water might help..."
"Well, it doesn't. GET THE HELL OFF ME!"

5 out of 5 Stars

TV: Three's Company - 3rd Season

DVD: 4 Discs


"Tell her that nothing happened. There was perfectly good reason why I was in bed with Jennie. I wandered into my bedroom through force of habit."
"Janet! There's a perfectly good reason why Jack was in bed with your sister."
"Oh Really?"
"Yeah, it was just a force of habit."

Review: Another good season. Not as many hilarious laugh-out-loud moments but every episode never fails to keep me smiling. The last two episodes are a couple of the best of the season. This is the Ropers' final season on the show.

"Wait a minute, Chrissy. You mean you would undress in front of strangers, but not in front of moi?"
"Right!"
"That doesn't make any sense."
"Of course it does. If they see me nude, it doesn't matter because I don't know them and they don't know me and I don't know who's seeing me and they don't know who they're seeing. BUT I know YOU and you know ME and I know who you'll be seeing and you know who you'll be seeing and both of them are me. See?"
"No, I don't see."
"And you're not going to either."

"I like where I live now. You know, it's beautifully furnished. It's..."
"Yeah, don't kid me. You're just thinking of Janet and Chrissy."
"As I said, it's beautifully furnished."
"Yeah, it's quite a set-up you got there."
"No, Larry, c'mon now. It's a beautiful, friendly, convenient living arrangement."
"So is a harem."

"You two have got to be gone when she gets here."
"Why?"
"Janet, weren't you listening to what I said in there? Debbie would not understand the three of us living together. She's an old fashioned girl."
"No, Jack, c'mon. The last time you went out with an old fashioned girl we had to stay at the Regal Beagle till you modernized her."

4 out of 5 Stars

TV: Three's Company - 2nd Season

DVD: 4 Discs


"Helen, I just wanted to prove to you that other woman found me attractive. And I proved it."
"Well, fine, go to her. See if I care. I hope you're happy."
"I don't want to be happy; I want to be with you."

Review: This second season keeps the laughs and lives up to the great but short first season.

"Will you put some clothes on? My wife's here!"
"Mind your own business, Stanley."
"What if the towel slips?"
"Mind your own business, Stanley."

"We can't afford it."
"I only have one word for you, Stanley."
"You be careful, Helen."
"CHEAP!"
"That's not so bad. I thought you were going to say something about my mother."

"Look, we both have a problem. The only difference is I am married to my problem."

"Chrissy, were you trying to steal Barry away from Janet?"
"OF COURSE NOT. You heard her. You heard her ask me to me nice to him and help entertain him."
"Do you recall that, Janet?"
"Well.......yes."
"And Chrissy, do you honestly think that after the friendship we three have shared, that Janet and I would even THINK of trying any hanky-panky together?"
"Well.......no."
-----
"That was the scary question."

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

TV: Three's Company - 1st Season

DVD: 1 Disc


"I wonder what game's going on up there."
"Oh, probably something delightfully kinky that only three can play."

Review: When I bought this I was hoping that I would be able to relive some great laughs I remembered having while watching this show a long time ago. I did! The fashions may have aged but the comedy is still funny.

"I'm hoping to open up a little restaurant for people who can really appreciate high prices."

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

TV: 3rd Rock from the Sun - 5th Season

DVD: 4 Discs

Review: This is the last strong season with maybe a little too much William Shatner in 4 episodes. I enjoyed Tommy's relationship with Alissa all season. "Dial M for Dick", "Dick Puts the Id in Cupid" & "Dick and Harry Fall Down a Hole" are stand-out episodes.

Quotes:
"Hey, I read this crazy statistic in the paper this morning. Did you know that 70% of people our age are sexually active?"
"And 40% have inhaled solvents."
"Right, so ah, which crowd do you want to hang with?"
"Are you suggesting that we have sex?"
"Well... or inhale solvents. Really, it's up to you. I'm just trying to be a gentleman."

"Swap partners and smooch? Hey, Hey, Hey, wait a minute! Dick, why don't you go play this with Dr. Albright."
"Fine, but that's the last time I bring home a sexually explicit board game for this family."
"I hate that game."
"Wanna play Strip Parcheesi?"
"YOU'RE ON!"

"I'm not going to change this face. This face is a scrapbook dedicated to who I am, DAMN IT! MY GOD, I'M GORGEOUS!"
"No, you're not."
"SCREW YOU!"

"The first time I saw Mary undress I remember thinking, God I hope this skylight holds."

"I want to be a good human being."
"What's stopping you?"
"I don't know. You?"
"No."
"Me?"
"Good!"

"Sometimes, don't you just have to be naked?"
"I've got a girlfriend."
"I've got a boyfriend."
"We're going to have sex on Valentine's Day."
"No, we're going to have sex right now."
"I'm... I'm a virgin."
"I could educate you."
"I could use an education."
"Let's go."
"Okay! Alissa is going to be so happy about this."

"That's so sad. Have you ever thought about selling your story to Lifetime? You could call it, 'Fat, Fat Little Girl: The Mary Albright Story'."

"Alissa, I need to see you naked."
"I know, you wrote it in my yearbook."

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

TV: 3rd Rock from the Sun - 4th Season

DVD: 4 Discs


"Maybe it wasn't the best idea to throw Sally a surprise party."
"Tommy, maybe you'd like to lose your virginity without your family jumping out and yelling, but I know I would."

Review: This is the season that Mary becomes the Dean, Sally and Don take their relationship to the next level and Tommy gets a new girlfriend, the totally cute, Alissa. "Indecent Dick" and "Dick Solomon of the Indiana Solomons" were some of the hilarious episodes this season.

"Hey Dick, what's with all the Rusty burgers?"
"Uh well, I'm just, uh, preparing box lunches for the homeless."
"Why are you putting all the food in the trash?"
"It makes them more comfortable. Mary, you can be so insensitive."

"That's an old bar game, a love tester. It's been busted for years."
"What does it do?"
"Well, it tells you how good a lover you are."
"Ooo, how? Do you make love to it?"
"No, you just put your hand on it."
"And then after a couple of dates, you make love to it?"
"You just put a nickle into it."
"Wow, a nickel for all that lovin."

"I just don't see the difference. I mean, you tell me that this is meant for arousal and this is meant for aesthetic appreciation, but when I look at them... Well, this women washing her sports car, she does nothing for me. But this women with the apple and the snake... That's just hot."

"So were trying to get these fruit flies to mate, huh?"
"Yeah."
"Well that's kind of cold, isn't it? I mean they just met."
"What?"
"Can you imagine meeting someone for the first time and all of a sudden there's people trying to force you to mate? That's allot of pressure. I couldn't do it."
"Well, if my life span was only for like a day, I think I'd be okay with it."

"The first thing you got to remember, is that the women in these magazines, they always look surprised to see their boobs. Like they're seeing them for the first time."
"That is so sexy."
"So try to remember how it felt the first time you... saw your boobs. You know, like right after we landed on Earth. Go ahead."
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

"Ok people, your assignment is to discuss what gifts you'll be buying for me and seriously, try to top each other. Can you do that?"

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

TV: 3rd Rock from the Sun - 3rd Season

DVD: 4 Discs


"Women. You can't live with 'em and you can't have heterosexual sex without 'em."

Review: This season is great, I think it is better than season 2 but not as good as the 1st. "Eleven Angry Men and One Dick" is the best episode of the season. This is the season that August leaves Tommy, ending a very entertaining relationship.

"August, how could you do this to me?"
"Me, do this to you? What kind of boyfriend are you? You lust after a music teacher, you flirt with that sleazy Lorna."
"Okay, but in all fairness they both totally blew me off."

"Watcha writing?"
"My thoughts, how nobody understands me, how utterly lonely I am, and how much it hurts me that... I don't care."

"Your son is impossible."
"I completely agree."
"He doesn't get that girls mature faster and that women..."
"Blah, blah, blah. You made your point and I said I agree. NOW GET OUT!"

"I thought the two of you were over. Why do all men think once they plant the flag, they own the mountain?"
"I spent two years climbing that mountain, and I'm not about to let another man yodel on it."

"Speaking of women, I think you're incredibly hot. You know, we're not really brother and sister. It's all made up. Let's say we have a go at it... You, me and a stick of butter. What do you say?"

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

TV: 3rd Rock from the Sun - 2nd Season

DVD: 4 Discs


"What is wrong with her?"
"She's climbing the social ladder."
"The what? I'm sorry, Nina, I don't understand Ebonics."

Review: The 2nd season is great but it is lacking a little because Dick and Mary are a couple throughout the second season which lessons the comic dynamic between them from the 1st season.

"I give them happy faces on their mid-terms and this is how they repay me. That's it!! No more Mr. Nice Guy and no hug for you, Four-Eyes!"

"Whoa, look at that. The alien just put a probe in that guy's ear."
"Everybody knows you can't get a brain scan through the ear. You've got to go through the butt."

"Throughout history, human beings have persecuted the great agitators, Socrates, Galileo, and now Dick Solomon. Where would you be, without us, to provoke and enlightened you, to attach the electrodes of knowledge to the nipples of ignorance?"

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

TV: 3rd Rock from the Sun - 1st Season

DVD: 4 Discs


Review: John Lithgow is my second favorite actor in a sitcom after Phil Hartman. He was a tour de force that made me laugh my ass off. When I saw previews for this show I thought it would be dumb but it hit the ball out of the park with the first pitch during the first season.

Quotes:
"Sally, I want you to observe her. Find out what women on this planet do."
"Well, why can't Harry do it?"
"Because you're the woman."
"That brings up a very good question. Why am I the woman?"
"Because you lost."

"A wedding?!"
"Yeah, a big reception."
"A ritual?"
"Very traditional, crying, dancing."
"And the female devours the male immediately after the ceremony?"
"No! That's a process that takes years and years."

"You know, the light of the moon is so wonderful. It shows me what you must have looked like so many years ago."
"That was... almost beautiful."

"Well, one of us has to experience sex and I am getting nowhere with her."
"Well, why didn't you say so? I mean if sex is so important, you and I can do it right here on the desk and get it out of the way."

"Tell me Dick, what kind of shampoo do you use?"
"I don't know."
"Exactly. And do you feel the urge to have an 8 pound screaming larva rip its way out of your lower abdomen?"
"No, I think I can do without that."
"See? Here you and I are completely different life forms and it's just some sick cosmic joke that we have to share a planet."

"Why, what happened?"
"Nothing! Destroy all the mirrors. NOW!"
"No, no, no, I've got to see...... Oh My God! I'm GORGEOUS!"

"Listen, I ran out because I was disappointed in you. I thought you were different than other guys."
"Oh, I am different. You have no idea how different I am."
"Well, you're not totally to blame because I know I send some really mature signals."
"Okay. I can deal with that. I can forget the physical stuff and just be completely intellectual... all the time."
"Well... I hope not ALL the time."
"Thank God, 'cause frankly I couldn't have done that."
"Look, it's not that complicated. Sometimes you go with the intellectual, sometimes you go with the physical, and sometimes just closeness is nice."
"Well, how will I know when to do what?"
"I'll decide that as we go along."

"It seems that some of the subtler principals of electron motion are beyond everyone's grasp. Be thankful it's just a grade. In most places, this kind of performance gets you a spanking that still burns when you're blown out the airlock."

"I have a plan."
"Remember we're not allowed to liquefy humans."
"Ok, I have another plan."

"Oh now just relax. You got to calm down."
"How can I calm down? I, I, I, I feel so utterly EXPOSED and VULNERABLE... and not in that fun, spanky way."

"You don't want me to be your dad anymore?"
"No."
"Good. Because I was this close to DROP KICKING YOUR SORRY BUTT FROM HERE TO THE OUTLET MALL!!!"

"I understand. You've had the milk, why buy the cow?"
"But I want you! I want the cow!"

5 out of 5 Stars