Film: Pirates of the Caribbean - The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)

DVD: Enhanced 16x9


"You think this wise, boy... crossing blades with a pirate?"
"You threatened Miss Swann."
"Only a little."

Review: A surprisingly great movie based on the ride at Disneyland that holds up to repeat viewings. Johnny Depp steals every scene as Captain Jack Sparrow with great performances by the entire cast. A great mix of beautiful locations, production design, costumes and special effects really support an excellent script. Too bad the sequels didn't have the same coherent storyline to match.

"You'll be dining with the Captain. And he requests you wear this."
"Well, you may tell the Captain that I am disinclined to acquiesce to his request."
"He said you'd say that. He also said that if that be the case, then you'll be dining with the crew. And you'll be naked."

"So that's it, then? That's the secret, grand adventure of the infamous Jack Sparrow. You spent three days lying on a beach drinking rum."
"Welcome to the Caribbean, love."

"You best start believing in ghost stories, Miss Turner. You're in one."

4 out of 5 Stars

TV: Saturday Night Live - The Best of Eddie Murphy

DVD: 1 Disc


"Should I get in the hot tub? / Will it make me sweat? / Should I get in the hot tub? / Will it make me wet? / Well, Well, Well... Hot tub! / Here I go! / I'm gonna get in the water! / Gonna make me sweat! / I'm going in the hot tub! / HEEEEEEY!!!!! / Too hot in the hot tub! / Burn myself! / Make it cooler, good God! / I'm going to get in the hot tub. / I'm gonna get in the hot tub."

Review: This is a good collection of Saturday Night Live skits with Eddie Murphy. I forgot how much of his humor comes from his singing ability which he uses to great effect in several funny skits.

"Will you be mine? / Won't you be mine? / Won't you be my neighbor? / Hello, boys and girls. We're all alone today. You know why? My wife walked out on me. Isn't that nice? I'm so glad the bitch is gone. I can't..."
[RING, RING, RING]
"Who can that be? Let's see. This is how you answer the door in my neighborhood... WHO IS IT?!!!!"

"Hi, I'm Buh-Weet. Member me? I have complied for you and your nistening pleasure some of my pavorite songs. It's all here in this unpectacular offer, 'Buh-Weet Sings'. Take a wisten... Unce, Tice, Fee Tines a Mady."
"Yes, there all here."
"Wookin' Pa Nub in All Da Wong Places. / Wookin' Pa Nub."
"Once Buckwheat sings a song, it's eternally his."
"It Dat Deada Dabba, Dan on a Dina an Die / Made a Day fa Eyieee."

"Hello my name is Professor Shabazz K Martin. In 1895, at the Tuskegee Institute in Alabama, a BLACK MAN named George Washington Carver developed a new method of soul... SOIL improvement through crop rotation."
"Soul? Hee! Hee!"
"So I messed up. SHUT UP!!! STOP CLAPPING before you make me smile!"

"Look, look, Raheem. I'm not Opie Taylor and I'm not Richie Cunningham. I'm Ron Howard. I'm a grown man. Did you know I'm directing now? Did you see the movie I have out, Night Shift?"
"Was there any black people in it?"
"No."
"I didn't see it then. What was it about?"
"Oh well, it was a story about these two pimps..."
"It was a story about two pimps and wasn't no brothers in it. I don't know whether to say, Thank You, or punch you in your mouth, man."

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

Film: The Simpsons Movie (2007)

DVD: Anamorphic


"I can't believe we're paying to see something we get on TV for free! If you ask me, everybody in this theater is a giant sucker! Especially you!"

Review: I was not that excited to see this movie at first. While I loved the first nine seasons of the Simpsons, I had slowly lost interest in the show as the quality declined in later years. All that changed when I saw a preview of the movie highlighting Spider-Pig and I found myself crying with laughter. The movie turned out to be very funny and made excellent use of the widescreen format. I think bringing back allot of the earlier writers of the Simpsons helped make the movie a success.

"How did the pig tracks get on the ceiling?"
"Spider-Pig, Spider-Pig. / Does whatever a Spider-Pig does. / Can he swing? / From a web? / No, he can't. / He's a pig. / Look out! / He is the Spider-Pig!"

"Mr. President, you chose me, Russ Cargill, most successful man in America, to head the EPA, the least successful organization. That's why I've narrowed your choices down to five unthinkable options. Each one will cause untold misery and..."
"I pick Number Three!"
"Really? You don't want to read them first?"
"I was elected to LEAD, not to READ. Number Three!"

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

Film: An American Tail (1986)

DVD: Full Screen - OAR


"In America, there are mouse holes in every wall."
"Who says?"
"Everyone. In America, there are bread crumbs on every floor."
"You're talking nonsense!"
"In America, you can say anything you want, but most important - and this I know for a fact - in America, there are no cats."

Review: This animated film still has the power to bring a tear to my eye when Fievel is reunited with his family. I think this is Don Bluth's closest attempt in matching the classic Disney films. It is full of catchy songs that stick in the head and the voice work of Fievel and his sister is too cute. Their duet is very moving.

"I'm your guard, Tiger. Don't make any sudden moves, 'cause I'm crafty and I'm quick. I've got the instincts of a cat. What am I saying? I am a cat."

"Oh, my little boy, back from the dead. America, what a place. My Fievel. I thought I would never see you again."
"Never say never, Papa."

4 out of 5 stars

Film: Borat (2006)

DVD: Anamorphic


"This is Natalya. She is my sister. She is number-four prostitute in whole of Kazakhstan. Niiice!"

Review: Just as funny and uncomfortable the second time around. This is a movie/documentary of Americans trying to comprehend and interact with a foreign journalist who has very outdated ideas on gender, race, sex, and personal hygiene. Whether they respond with confusion, anger, helpfulness or delight in finding someone who shares their bigoted views, it is hilarious to watch. The DVD special features are great as well.

"Sometime my sister, she show her vagine to my brother, Bilo, and say... 'You will never get this. You will never get this. La-la-la-la-la-la.' He behind his cage. Crazy, Crazy. Everybody laughs. She go, 'You never get this.' Uh, but one time he break cage and he GET THIS and then we all laugh. High five!"
"Now, um, um. No, that would not be funny in America, okay?"

"Look, there is a woman in a car! Can we follow her and maybe make a sexy time with her?"
"No, no, no!"
"Not yet, huh? Why not?"
"Because a woman has the right to choose who she has sex with."
"WHAT?!"
"How about that? Isn't that amazing?"
"You joke?"
"There must be consent. That's good, huh?"
"Is not good for me."
"No, it is good."

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

Film: Match Point (2005)

DVD: Enhanced 16:9


"So, who's my next victim? You?"
"I haven't played table tennis in quite a while."
"Would you like to play for a thousand pounds a game?"
"What did I walk into?"

Review: This is an excellent thriller of a former professional tennis player who expertly climbs the social ladder in London by befriending a rich family and marrying their daughter. His carefully laid plans are disrupted when he falls for the beautiful girlfriend of his friend and finds himself juggling the fallout.

"You should see my sister, she's... she's very beautiful, but she's lost in drugs and..."
"I'm sure she's not more beautiful than you are."
"Well... What I am is sexy. But Linda's, my sister, um, is classically beautiful."
"So, you are aware of your effect on men?"

"The innocent are sometimes slain to make way for grander schemes. You were collateral damage."
"So was your own child."
"Yes... Sophocles said that to have never been born might have been the greatest boon of all."

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

Film: How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (2003)

DVD: Enhanced 16x9


"Now, I'm going to go back inside and finish watching 'Sleepless in Seattle'. Nobody screw with me."

Review: A high-concept romantic comedy that is fun to watch because of the excellent chemistry between the leads. The characters attempt to use each other to further their careers, but find themselves falling for each other. Except for the cliche ending, the movie has a unique story idea that is well executed.

"So, tell me, how long have you guys been seeing each other?"
"Seven days."
"Seven days. Interesting."
"Is that too soon to be seeing a therapist?"

"I have to crack this guy. I mean this is DefCon 5, and I have to do something truly appalling. It's not funny."

4 out of 5 Stars

Film: Beowulf (2007)

DVD: Enhanced 16x9


"I am Beowulf and I'm here to kill your monster."

Review: This was my first 3D movie where the effect really impressed me and felt like a game-changing experience. The story was simple and effective, but the immersion of the 3D gave the movie a whole new dimension, literally. Beowulf's battle with the dragon near the end was mind-blowing. I hope the dragon, Smaug, in the upcoming Hobbit movie is this good.

"How many monsters must I slay? Grendel's mother, father, Grendel's uncle? Must I hack down a whole family tree of demons?"
"She is the last of them. With her gone, demonkind will slip back into the darkness from whence it came."

"The time of heroes is dead. The christ god has killed it, leaving nothing but weeping martyrs and fear and shame."

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

Film: Iron Will (1994)

DVD: Enhanced 16x9


"Trust the dogs."

Review: This movie is a bit too formulaic and the dialogue is on-the-nose at times, but that is expected for a Disney movie aimed at children. It is at it's best when it is concentrating on the dogsled race and the harsh conditions they faced. I liked how they were able to make the dogsled a more active object than I expected, jumping and cornering like a skateboard or BMX bike.

"The first few days you sleep five hours. Then four, then three, then two. The last day you don't sleep. You just run. Run till the end."

"You're prepared to risk this young man's life to sell some newspapers?"

3 1/2 out of 5 Stars

Film: Pinocchio (1940)

DVD: OAR Full Frame


"Cricket's the name. Jiminy Cricket!"

Review: This is a classic Disney film with great songs and amazing animation of the wooden puppet, Pinocchio, who tries to become a real boy. The second act on Pleasure Island is well-told and intense, scaring me as a child. The whole ocean sequence with Monstro the whale is a powerful tour de force, a visual and emotional climax for the movie.

"Now, remember, Pinocchio, be a good boy. And always let your conscience be your guide."

"Father, what are you crying for?"
"Because you're dead, Pinocchio."
"No! No, I'm not."
"Yes. Yes, you are. Lie down."

5 out of 5 Stars

Film: Zathura (2005)

DVD: Anamorphic


"That's your robot?"
"At least I got one."
"Well, what does it do?"
"Anything I want... Get me a juice box, Beeyatch!"

Review: Jon Favreau has shown his talent for Directing once again. He has a great sense on how to tell a story and keep the most fantastical elements grounded in reality. This is a film of two brothers who start playing an old board game they find in the basement, sending their house into outer space. Each turn brings more excitement and danger from robots or aliens as they discover the only way to get home is to finish the game.

"I hate to break it to you, but that's not your call. He spun me, so it's up to him."
"Well, I'm Fleet Admiral, and I'm telling you to hit the road."
"I apologize, sir. I didn't... I didn't realize you were a Fleet Admiral. In fact, I... I'm a Fleet Admiral too! It's just a card, bug nuts."

"Still think I have gorgeous eyes?"

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

Film: Munich (2005)

DVD: Anamorphic


"You'll open two accounts at the Union de Banques Suisse in Geneva on Rue du Commerce. Operational funds in one box, in the other your salary which you don't take till the mission ends when you get what accumulates. Also, for each of your men, you open an account for his salary."
"How many men do I have for this?"
"IN THE operational funds box we will deposit 250,000 American dollars. You take it out, we put more in. I WANT receipts. You are not working for the Baron Rothschild. You're working for Israel, a small country."

Review: After the death of the Israeli hostages during the Olympic Games in Munich, Israel sent a team of assassins to track down and kill the leaders of the terrorist group in Europe. This is an excellent suspense film of the team's efforts led by the excellent Eric Bana and includes the pre-Bond Daniel Craig. The tension builds as the early successes become harder to duplicate and the team itself becomes the target of reprisal attacks.

"I knew guys like you in the army. You do any terrifying thing you're asked to do, but you have to do it running. You think you can outrun your fears, your doubts. The only thing that really scares you guys is stillness."

"Don't fuck with the Jews."

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

TV: Planet Earth (2006)

Review: A nature documentary that gives an excellent overview of the many ecosystems throughout Planet Earth. Filmed with High Definition cameras, the visuals are spectacular. Some of my favorite episodes are Mountains, Fresh Water and Jungles.

5 out of 5 Stars

Film: Zoolander (2001)

DVD: Enhanced 16x9


"I guess the look I'm best known for is Blue Steel. And then there's Ferrari and Le Tigre. Le Tigre's a lot softer. It's a little bit more of a catalog look."

Review: This is a spoof movie of the fashion industry with great lines and lots of funny cameos. Ben Stiller plays a top male model who is brain-washed in an attempt to kill the new leader of Malaysia who wants to eliminate child labor.

"It's that damn Hansel! He's so hot right now!"

"Did you ever think that maybe there's more to life than being really, really, really, ridiculously good looking?"

"I think Katinka wants to kill you."
"Good! I deserve to die if I can't even beat Han-suck-ass in a walk off."
"Derek, that's not true. The guy had to miraculously pull his underwear out of his butt just to beat you."
"And all he had to do was turn left."

4 out of 5 Stars

Film: You Don't Mess with the Zohan (2008)

DVD: Anamorphic


"I never worked at a pretzel stand. You like to insult people?"
"Was that your feet?"
"Yes, it's the feet. The feet uppercut... Here comes the double foot. This is good. Smell it, smell it, smell it. Now take it. That's for you."
"Aaaah! All right, let me go!!"

Review: I was very surprised. I loved this movie as much as I normally hate Adam Sandler movies. I think it is because of the help from Judd Apatow and Robert Smigel in writing the script. Also, Adam Sandler really became Zohan, an Israeli super soldier who moves to New York to become a hairdresser, instead of playing just another version of himself like in most of his movies.

"She has a free shoulder. Come join."
"I'm good."
"Mrs. Haynes, you're getting cold here. Claude, come. Keep her warm. Go ahead. Yes. And gently move. Gently move the shoulder. All you want to do is let her know you're here for her. Now look away like you're not even doing it. We're not doing this... Same rhythm."
"Okay."
"Push. Push. Push. Oh, you're pushing harder. It's starting to feel good on my end."

"Get out of here, Ahab, or I'll cut your eyes out."
"What you cut my eyes out with?"
"My blade, camel jockey."
"My friend, the beating I give you if you stop the spraying is much less than the beating I give you if you try to cut me."

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

Film: Dances with Wolves (1990)

DVD: Enhanced 16x9 - Double-Sided


"You wish to see the frontier?"
"Yes sir, before it's gone."

Review: This is an amazing movie that shows the last years of the Sioux Indians before they were moved onto reservations. The film follows a Civil War soldier who finds himself posted to an isolated and abandoned army fort far out in the prairie where he comes in contact with a nearby tribe. Graham Greene is great as Kicking Bird, the medicine man who befriends the soldier.

"I am in agreement with Kicking Bird. We will go down and talk to the white man. And find out why he is here."
"If this council decides to talk to the white man then it will be so. But in my mind, it's not right that a chief as great as Ten Bears goes to ask the business of a puny, trespassing white man who has only a smart horse and a few white man's clothes."
"I will not go. You will go. And you will go. That is all I have to say."

"Dances With Wolves! I am Wind In His Hair! Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that you will always be my friend?"

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

Film: Amistad (1997)

DVD: Anamorphic


"Well when I was an attorney, a long time ago, young man, I err... I realized after much trial and error, that in the courtroom, whoever tells the best story wins. In unlawyer-like fashion, I give you that scrap of wisdom free of charge."

Review: I always like well-made courtroom dramas and this one goes all the way up to the Supreme Court. A group of African slaves revolt and take over their slave ship but are soon captured by the American Navy. At a unique time when slavery was still legal in America but the transport of new slaves across the Atlantic was not, they were able to win their freedom in court.

"If only we could corroborate Cinque's story somehow with evidence of some kind."
"The inventory. If you look, there's a notation made on May tenth, correcting the number of slaves on board, reducing their number by fifty."
"What does that mean?"
"Well, if you look at it in conjunction with Cinque's testimony, I would say that it means this: The Tecora crew have greatly underestimated the amount of provisions required for their journey, and solved the problem by throwing fifty people overboard."

4 out of 5 Stars

Film: Almost Famous (2000)

DVD: Anamorphic


"I really love your band. I think the song 'Fever Dog' is a big step forward for you guys. I think you guys producing it yourselves, instead of Glyn Johns, was the right thing to do. And the guitar sound... is incendiary. Incendiary. Way to go."
"Well, don't stop there!"
"Yeah, come back here! I'm incendiary too, man!"

Review: A great road trip movie about a young writer on tour with an up-and-coming rock band in the early 70s. He tries to keep his professional distance, but is pulled into the band's conflicts as he becomes their friend and falls in love with one of the band's followers.

"I can't say anymore with the writer here."
"No, no, no. You can trust him, you can say whatever you want."
"I work just as hard or harder than anybody on that stage. You know what I do? I connect. I get people off. I look for the guy who isn't getting off, and I make him get off... Actually, THAT you can print!"

"Oh man, you made friends with 'em. See, friendship is the booze they feed you. They want you to get drunk on feeling like you belong."
"Well, it was fun."
"Because they make you feel cool, and hey, I met you. You are NOT cool."

4 out of 5 Stars

Film: Blood Diamond (2006)

DVD: Enhanced 16:9


"You listening to this? The world is falling apart, and all we hear about is Blowjobgate."
"When was the last time the world wasn't falling apart, huh?"
"Ah, a cynic. Why don't you sit down and make me miserable?"

Review: This is an outstanding film about conflict diamonds in Africa. What is great about the story is that it shows all sides of the issue without getting preachy. This is one of Leo's best roles as an amoral diamond smuggler who keeps you in the dark about his intentions all the way to the end. Great writing and excellent action sequences round it out.

"Peace Corps types only stay around long enough to realize they're not helping anyone. Government only wants to stay in power until they've stolen enough to go into exile somewhere else. And the rebels, they're not sure they want to take over. Otherwise, they'd have to govern this mess. But T.I.A., right?"
"What's T.I.A.?"
"This Is Africa."

"What do you want from me, huh?"
"You know all about Van De Kaap. Help me out. Off the record."
"Well, off the record, I like to get kissed before I get fucked."

"I understand white people want our diamonds, yes. But how can my own people do this to each other? I know good people who say there is something wrong with us... inside our black skin. That we were better off when the white man ruled. But my son is good. And when he grows up.. and peace comes... this place will be a paradise."
"We'll get your son back, huh?"

"I thought you would steal it from me."
"Yeah, yeah, it occurred to me, huh?"

5 out of 5 Stars

Film: Can't Hardly Wait (1998)

DVD: Anamorphic


"Damn, woman. Why you gotta be such a raging bitch?"
"Oh, please. Listen to you. Look, there's a mirror right there. Why don't you take a look, okay? You're white."
"What's that supposed to mean? I don't always talk like that."

Review: A better than average teen flick that occurs over one night at a graduation party. Jennifer Love Hewitt is very cute and Seth Green is funny as the white homeboy who gets trapped in the bathroom.

"I thought college was gonna be a 24-7 orgy. Hell, that's even why I broke up with Janeen before I left."
"S-so, what happened?"
"College chicks are totally different, bro. They're all serious and shit. They all talk about world issues and 'ecolomological' crap. They all wanna date older guys."

3 1/2 out of 5 Stars

Film: Ben-Hur (1959)

DVD: Enhanced 16x9

Review: This is a outstanding timeless epic that I think is actually better than "The Ten Commandments". This is the story of Prince Judah Ben-Hur who is sent to row in the galleys and his family to prison after he falls out with his childhood friend who leads the Roman Army in Jerusalem.

Quotes:
"You want my advice?"
"Yes, I do."
"Withdraw your legions. Give us our freedom."
"Unfortunately, the emperor is devoted to his empire. He's particularly fond of Judea."
"And Judea's not fond of the emperor."
"Oh, is there anything so sad as unrequited love?"

His quest to save his family and seek revenge occurs during the same time period as Jesus, but the film cleverly handles the interaction between them. The Chariot race is still as thrilling as any modern day action sequence, even better because it is accomplished without the power of CGI.

"You have the spirit to fight back... but the good sense to control it. Your eyes are full of hate, 41. That's good. Hate keeps a man alive. It gives him strength."

"Judah! Look, he is driving a Greek chariot. Be careful. Don't let him near you."

5 out of 5 Stars

Film: Surf's Up (2007)

DVD: Anamorphic


"Cody's around here somewhere, I can feel it in my nuggets!"

Review: I think this is the best non-documentary surf movie I have ever seen. Normally you get actors who can't surf or surfers who can't act messing it up. The animators were able to accurately recreate the sensation of surfing and added lots of humor to a simple but effective story. The CGI waves look amazing.

"Looks like he stepped on a fire urchin."
"Stepped on me, stepped on me? Are you kidding?!! This guy was dancing on me! I mean just look at this, broken, broken, gone, gone, broken, broken, broken..."

"A winner is someone who doesn't knock me off my surfboard, and break it when I'm trying to get some big waves. Especially Tank, he's definitely not a winner.
"He's a dirty trash can full of poop."

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

Film: Three Fugitives (1989)

DVD: Enhanced 16:9


"Tell him."
"Tell him what?"
"That I'm the hostage, you shit!"
"Of course you're the hostage. What do you think?"
"No, don't tell me, asshole! Tell them!"
"Excuse me. I think I'm going to faint."

Review: This is a funny movie with many touching moments. Nick Nolte is great as the gruff ex-con who finds himself being taken hostage during a bank robbery by an inept Martin Short the very day he is released from prison. The problem is no one believes that he is the victim, not the perpetrator. The young daughter of Martin Short's character is very effective as the catalyst for the film's plot.

"Have a seat, Doctor. Now tell Detective Dugan everything that you've told me."
"The patient was shot in a hunting accident."
"What?"
"In the right hind leg. From the angle of entry, it would appear that his leg was raised, and he must have been peeing at the moment of impact."
"Thank you, Doctor."
"Wait, I have more. The patient wore no collar and became enraged when given a rubber bone. He nevertheless..."
"Thank you very, very, very much."
"Wait, I have something else. He tested negative for rabies."
"Thank you."

"So... Hehe! I think we can conclude that our Mr. Lucas spent the day getting shot, being treated like a dog, having to baby-sit, and wishing he could've spent one more day in prison... [Phone Rings] It's Lucas."
"Hey, Rover. Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha! How are you pal? Come on in."

4 out of 5 Stars

Film: GoodFellas (1990)

DVD: Enhanced 16x9 - Movie split on double-sided disc


"As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster."

Review: This is a great movie on the life of a mid-level New York mobster. Joe Pesci and Robert DeNiro are outstanding as supporting characters. Ray Liotta and Lorraine Bracco are excellent as well but I never completely connect to them as the main characters which drops this just behind Casino for me.

"Business bad? Fuck you, pay me. Oh, you had a fire? Fuck you, pay me. Place got hit by lightning, huh? Fuck you, pay me."

"I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to fuckin' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?"

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

Film: Live Free or Die Hard (2007)

DVD: Anamorphic

Review: This is very entertaining considering that this is the 4th film in a series. Bruce Willis is comfortable in this famous role and it shows. Justin Long is good as the hacker sidekick who helps John McClane fight back against the criminals taking over the nation's computer networks. The only moment that elicited groans from me is the scene where McClane is taking on a fighter jet with a semi truck.

Quotes:
"Did you see that?"
"Yeah I saw it, I did it!"

"Awww, great! There goes the cell phone."
"They knocked the satellites out of the skies, now?"
"No, your battery ran out."

"Mai? Oh, yeah. Little Asian chick, likes to kick people? I don't think she's gonna be talkin' to anybody for a really long time. Last time I saw her she was at the bottom of a elevator shaft with an SUV rammed up her ass."

4 out of 5 Stars

TV: Sanford and Son - 3rd Season

DVD: 3 Discs


"You know something, Pop. Watching all that television is bad for your eyes. You know what you should do, you should take a nice, long leisurely walk out in the night air. It would be good for you."
"Yeah, out in that healthy smog and with those friendly muggers."

Review: Another great season of Sanford and Son. Superflyer is hilarious. Too bad Redd Foxx is missing from the last six episodes due to a contract dispute.

"Oh! This is the big one! This is the big one, my son is choking a white woman. Here that, Elizabeth. I coming to join ya, honey... with a fat friend."

"Rollo and I need you to do us a little favor."
"Look. Number one, I don't do no favors after six o'clock in the evening. Two, I ain't got no money. Three, I ain't harboring any fugitives from justice. And four... Bye."

"Ain't it funny how even the worst of heathens tries to get righteous when they feel the Lord is about to tap them on the shoulder."
"Listen, Ester. If I wasn't so sick, I give you one of these across your ugly lips."
"Who are you calling ugly, Sucker?
"I'm calling you ugly. I could stick your face in some dough and make some gorilla cookies."

"Don't leave me! Don't leave me, son! That's what they do with old Eskimos. They put them out on a big block of ice and let them float out to sea until they freeze to death."
"You're gonna wish you had a block of ice where you're going."

"Julio's been bringing in a lot of tires lately and I've been bringing in a lot of used automobile parts. And we're going to combine our resources and specialize in selling used auto parts. It'll be like a sideline business."
"This is your business, Sanford and Son. This is both our business"
"Pop, We'll still have this business."
"Listen, but I built this empire for YOU. I even named it after you. AND Son."

"A Crucifix, a St. Christopher's Medal, a Star of David, a Crescent of Islam and a Budda?"
"And a Mojo."
"What do you need all these things for?"
"It's flight insurance. See, down here on the ground, I'm a Baptist. But up there, I ain't taking no chances."

"What?! Ol' Gorilla Face is going to be at my wedding? Is she going to bring Woody the Wino?"
"I believe so."
"That does it. Now I am going to have to hide my ripple, my gin, my scotch, my bourbon, my rye. I got to hide my bug spray, my Drano... I hope she don't tell anybody else."

"You're a dirty old man, you know that?"
"And I'm going to be one until I'm a dead old man."

"Pop, you're not really going to have that party here, are you? I mean, I know you're not going to have it here."
"Oh no? You just watch me. This is just the beginning. See, I intend to party lightly, slightly, politely, and if possible, all-nightly."

"What do you got on?"
"It's a Super Fly Suit, what'd it look like?"
"Where did you get that thing from anyway?"
"This ain't no thing. And I got it down the street at a 'Going Back to Jail' sale. It only cost me six bucks and the guy who sold it to me got six months."

"Is it possible for somebody to have, say, three or four heart attacks a day."
"No, I sure doubt it. After the second, they would probably be dead. One big one and it's all over."
"Then it's not likely for somebody to average 26 big ones a week, huh?"
"No, that's unbelievable."
"I thought so too."

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars