Film: Tootsie (1982)

DVD: Anamorphic


"I'd like to make her look a little more attractive, how far can you pull back?"
"How do you feel about Cleveland?"

Review: A great cross-dressing movie of an out-of-work actor who tries out for a role as a women on a soap opera so he can raise money for a play. It nicely balances comedy and drama as he falls in love with his female co-star who befriends his alter-ego, but he can't act on it under his secret guise.

"I don't like when somebody comes up to me the next day and says, 'Hey man, I saw your play. It touched me; I cried.' I like it when a guy comes up to me a week later and says, 'Hey man, I saw your play... what happened?'"

"I don't believe in hell. I believe in UNEMPLOYMENT, but not hell."

4 out of 5 Stars

TV: Perfect Strangers - 1st & 2nd Seasons

DVD: 4 Discs


"Color TV!"
"Yeah, haven't you ever seen color TV before?"
"Of course I have. Don't be ridiculous. BLUE!!!"

Review: This is a show where the actors' delivery of the lines & physical comedy trumps the show's average writing. I find myself laughing and smiling at the antics of immigrant Balki and his cousin, Larry, in spite of the groan-inducing lesson that must be learned at the end of each episode. I can't get enough of the cheesy theme song at the start of each episode either.

Maybe it is the fact the show was recorded on video instead of film, but this has the worst visual quality of any TV on DVD I have yet seen of an older show. Still not as bad as broadcast quality though.

"Balki, meet Susan. She's our neighbor."
"Hi. Nice to meet you."
"Would it be impolite to ask if I could be your slave for life?"
"Well, uh, I think that's illegal... Oh, he's cute."
"This cute Mediterranean boy means every groveling word. Take me and do with me what you will."

"The least I can do is make you better for your date. Now, the wolf bane is for your runny nose. The pumpkin mold is for your cough. And the garlic just makes you feel good all over."
"And I bet it keeps away vampires."
"Well, that's a side benefit."
"Balki, why don't you go into the kitchen and try to turn some lead into gold? Leave me alone."

"What's wrong with Vegas?"
"Are you kidding? Vegas is a moral wasteland. It goes against everything I was ever told I believe in."

"I had no idea my date would make your life so complicated."
"Don't worry about it. Everything makes my life complicated."

"Nobody can survive like this."
"You know the trouble with you Americans is you can't take a little hardship. You know, in Mypos, we lived with it constantly. Take the Great Alfalfa Famine of '82. Hungry sheep staring into space. Hungry men staring back at them."

"Cousin, here's a shot in the dark. Why don't you ask her?"
"Just ask her? Balki, Balki, Balki. You have to read women. You have to interpret the subtle nuances of what they say or don't say. The way they look at you or don't look at you. The way they touch you or, in my case... don't touch you."
"Boy, life is hard work for you."

"I'm feeling sorry for myself. If you were a real friend, you'd join in."

"Now we are so happy, we do the Dance of Joy."

4 out of 5 Stars

Film: Tomboy (1985)

DVD: Anamorphic


"My car's got a lot of balls. Do you think you can handle it, little girl?"

Review: This film is like one long R Rated Mentos commercial. Hilariously Cheesy! The dance audition sequence is so, so, so bad that it is very funny. The sexy Betsy Russell plays a mechanic who builds her own race car and races it against her chauvinistic pro-racer boyfriend to prove her abilities. The race cars and the track at the end of the film really expose the low budget.

"I like what I see. How about you?"
"I like the jet-propulsion afterburners with overhead air-scoop."
"So you're into that aerospace crap?"
"It works."
"Bullshit! What matters... is the handling."

"What are you laughing at? I made you eat my dust all the way."
"You should be careful, Tomboy. You get all that grease washed off, you might discover you're a girl after all."

3 1/2 out of 5 Stars

TV: Wings - 5th Season

DVD: 4 Discs


"Joe, when did you become such a prude? It seems I remember back when we were dating, someone got a little frisky at the Museum of Fine Arts."
"We never went to the museum."
"Oh well, you know... You missed a great exhibition."

Review: This is the season that Helen is in a long distance relationship with Davis and Brian and Alex are together. A lot of good episodes but the best is when Joe can't take the pressure any more and flees for the tropics.

"Hey listen, when it comes to matters of the flesh, do what I do. I say...."
"Oh my Lord, he's going to tell us."
"...I say a real man never loses an opportunity. That's why I always have 'Cold Duck' in the refrigerator and a fresh tape in the camcorder."
"Hey, does anyone ever go out with you twice?"
"It doesn't matter. That's why I got the camcorder."

"I was running... my socks fell down... I went to pull them up... fell on my tailbone."
"Precisely why I run in the nude. There's nothing like feeling the wind blow through... Well, pretty much everything you got."

"Nauseous, huh? That never happens to me. I can eat just about anything. Well, that's not true. There's one thing I can't stomach. It's when you take a bite of chicken and a big ol vein comes snapping back at ya."
"This is Lowell Mather, our chief mechanic."
"Charmed."

"Alex is really mad at me."
"Does the whole world have to revolve around your love life?"
"Wouldn't it be a magical place?"

"Wait a minute, wait a minute. We've waited this long. We should make our first time really special."
"Let's make our second time really special. Let's make our first time really soon."

"My instructor promised that the mouse would only be used for a few harmless experiments, but he lied."
"Ah, they always lie. First, they suck you in with milk and cookies. Next thing you know, you're running naked through a maze."

"Helen's a little upset because Lynch bought her this flimsy black lace teddy."
"I'm not going to sleep in it."
"You're not supposed to sleep in it. You put it on, do a half-gainer off the headboard and throw it in the corner till morning."

"You're a pilot, huh?"
"Yeah, that's right."
"It must be pretty romantic. I mean, the glamour, the risk, the freedom of the open sky. Oh my God! How lame? The freedom of the open sky."
"No, no, actually, it's not lame at all. Flying your own plane is pretty glamorous."
"Joe, we're running low on barf bags."

"Brian, I would love to go out with Courtney, BUT 19! Wouldn't people talk?"
"Hey Joe, you're a good looking guy in his thirties without a girlfriend. Trust me, people are already talking."

"They want us to go to a party, down at the beach."
"Ooh! You know what, maybe I better just go home to Alex."
"Oh, poor Brian. We understand. It's okay. Hey, wait a minute, you got a little something sticking out of your collar. Oh look, it's a leash."
"Hey! I know what your trying to do, man. You're trying to embarrass me into going out with ya. Let me tell you something... it worked! Let's go!"

"I can't believe Brian, he actually went."
"And after you told him in no uncertain terms that he could."
"Exactly. Why can't men understand that go means stay?"

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

TV: Wings - 4th Season

DVD: 4 Discs


"No lie, Antonio. We were forced to make a water landing."
"We spent eight hours at sea."
"Freezing cold in a lifeboat."
"...with Roy."
"Oh God! You poor people."

Review: This is another good season of Wings that introduces the character of Alex, the female helicopter pilot that Brian and Joe compete over for most of the season. "Blackout Biggins" and "It's So Nice to Have a Mather Around the House" are a couple of my favorite episodes.

"Look, I've found the perfect nose, page 7. The Mitch Gaylord."
"Who?"
"Mitch Gaylord, the Olympic Gymnast. He won the gold in '84."
"Ah, I remember him. He's very muscular, very graceful, very... Excuse me, I've got to go pick up a copy of something with naked women."

"Roy, you old dog, you finally got her. Helen, I'm more than a little disappointed in you."

"When I'm here. When I'm at the gym. I'm in a zone. It's just me, my machine and my muscle group. You know?"
"Slick..."
"Excuse me. I'm trying to focus, okay? Aargh!"
"When you're through focusing, you might want to turn around because you're in that thing backwards."

"Brian, look what I found in your room this morning. Didn't anyone ever teach you where dirty dishes go?"
"Well, Lowell, I like to eat a sandwich in bed while I watch TV. Some times I raise the degree of difficulty and bring in a woman."

"Wait, you've been arrested?"
"Well, I'm not proud of it. It was during an Anti-War Rally in San Francisco in 1966."
"What, you never said you were a protester."
"Well, I wasn't. I was a shopper. I bumped into Abbie Hoffman coming out of Gump's. He called me a fascist pig and I decked him. It took me a week to get the smell of marijuana off my knuckles."

"I would rather be alone, then be with that loser we met tonight."
"What was that on his head? A toupee or a piece of sod?"
"I want that guy's mirror. You know, the one that talks back to him and says, "Hey, Lookin Good!'"

"First, we flew to Maine and we found the most incredible place for lobster. Then after dinner, we just stumbled across this funky little miniature golf course. Then on the way back to the plane, you won't believe what we found leaning against this old oak tree."
"A tandem bicycle."
"Wow, how did you know?"
"Congratulations! You just went on Brian Hacket's Date Package Number Seven."
"What?"
"Yeah, it just one of those spontaneous little evenings he spent years perfecting."

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

TV: Wings - 3rd Season

DVD: 4 Discs


"How could Helen do this to me? How could she just drive her Jeep through my office?"
"Uh, let's see. You ask her to come back to Nantucket. You lead her to believe that you're still in love with her and then she finds out you are involved with another women. Let's see if we can piece this mystery together."
"Does that justify her destroying my private property?"
"No, but I salute her sense of whimsy."

Review: The 3rd season started off great with Joe's office being destroyed three times and ended with a good cliff-hanger. Some of my favorite Wings episodes are from this year. This is the season where Antonio the cabdriver became a main character on the show.

"What's the world coming to? Listen to this. It says here 15% of the American public would rather watch television than have sex."
"15%, yeah, I'd buy that, yeah. You know, maybe you're too tired or she's too... Uh, what's a nice way to put this? Ugly."
"The words, 'Too Tired, are not in my vocabulary and frankly, Roy, I don't think the words, 'Too Ugly' should be in yours."

"Give me that, Hackett. I'll be your delivery boy."
"Do you know what to do?"
"Oh sure, I served a subpoena to my mother once."
"You sued your own mother?"
"I just served her. Dad made me. See, the trick with these things is to surprise the subpoenee. Not let them see what's coming. Observe... Here you go!"
"What's this?"
"It's a subpoena, Toots. You can consider yourself served."

"Okay, okay, okay! Oh, Helen, I'm so ashamed. I can't even look you in the eye."
"Well try, Roy, because right now you are looking at my breasts."

"I'm very pleased to meet you, Brian with an I. You know, my friends have accused me of forgetting how to laugh. You'll have to teach me again."
"Ok, but it may involve feathers and some nudity."
"Yes, it may at that."

"Alright look. Guys, if we really want to get Joe here, there's no way he's going to fall for just any run-of-the-mill story. This calls for a masterpiece of BS. I am going to go inside that office, pull on my hip waders, and shovel myself a Mona Lisa."

"What the hell was that?"
"I don't know. I don't know. One minute we're spanking each other with meat, the next minute it got weird."

"I haven't had a date in forever."
"None of us have. It's been six month's since I've been on a date and that was with a total moron... Oh, stop counting, Joe. It wasn't you. When I dated you, I was the moron."

"Joe, I know you're only trying to help, but I think you really stirred up a hornet's nest here."
"Who said I'm trying to help?"
"All of a sudden I'm proud to be a Hackett."

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

TV: Wings - 1st & 2nd Seasons

DVD: 4 Discs


"May I please have your attention. We regret to inform you that Sandpiper Air, Fight 14 to Boston, has been further delayed due to mechanical difficulties."
"Aaaah, no!"
"But on the bright side, freedom and democracy have broken out in Eastern Europe."

Review: This is a low-key workplace comedy that I enjoy watching. All the characters are well played and funny, but I think Steven Webber is the best as Brian.

"You are going to an awful lot of trouble. Do you really want to date with her that badly?"
"Joe, I'm used to having women either loving me or hating me and this bizarre middle ground of adult mature friendship just makes my skin crawl."

"Fay, I have to admit. I'm a little nervous about having my fortune read."
"Oh, Lowell, relax. It's just good-natured fun. There's nothing to worry about.... OH, TORTURED SOULS OF ETERNAL DARKNESS, OPEN MY EYES THAT I MIGHT SEE... Aaah!"
"WHAT?"
"It's the card of good fortune."
"Oh God, I knew it."

"She says I have 42 parking tickets, Brian."
"Consider your self lucky, Joe. It would have been 43, but I drove off while they were writing one of them."
"Hey Sugarbuns, move it along."
"Sugarbuns? Uh, isn't that cute, Joe? She's already given you a prison nickname. One I suggest you change, by the way."

"See, this is our problem, Joe. You care more about this stupid plane than you do about me."
"ME, you are the one with the Cello between her legs eight hours a day."
"Well at least that gives me some satisfaction."
"Yeah, well at least when I'm in the plane I get some sense of movement."

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

TV: Walt Disney: The Chronological Donald - Volume 1

DVD: 2 Discs


"Hey, what's the big idea!"

"So! You want to get tough, huh? You doggone contraption. I can't understand what makes it so doggone obstinate."

Review: "Modern Inventions" had me laughing so hard that I cried, but the others haven't that big of an impact on me. They just aren't as funny as Looney Toons. I still need to watch all of them though.

"Welcome, sir"
"Ah! Who are you?"
"I'm the robot butler, sir."
"Oh yeah. So what?"
"Your hat, sir."
"Hey! Let go of my hat!"
"YOUR HAT, SIR!"
"I get you for this."
"Thank you, sir."
"A fine way to act. Why don't you pick on someone your own size? You big goon."

"Waak! The very idea! Getting into my food. Scram! Hey! You doggone pest! Waak! I'll get you, you doggone pest! I'll assassinate you! I'll tear you apart, you chipmunk! Waak! Come on, you little rat. I got you! I got you! Come on! Come on! Huh! My, what big ears. Such big teeth. My goodness. And what a big mouth you have for such a little animal."

"Ha ha ha ha! Do you call that hockey? You're supposed to put this in the net."
"What do you know about hockey?"
"Who, me? Feast your eyes on this. Hockey Champion of Duck Swamp."
"Aw, phooey!"
"I see that a demonstration is in order so I'll beat the three of you all by myself."

"We'll save you, Uncle Donald! Jump, Uncle Donald!"

4 out of 5 Stars

TV: Wallace & Gromit in Three Amazing Adventures

DVD: 1 Disc


"Cracking toast, Gromit!"

Review: Excellent British comedy, these award-winning shorts are amazing to watch and full of laughs at the same time.

"It's the wrong trousers, Gromit, and they've gone wrong!"

"Yer dog's waiting."
"Aye, I'd better see to him. The bounce has gone from his bungee."

"No cheese, Gromit! Not a bit in the house!"

5 out of 5 Stars

TV: Three's Company - 3rd Season

DVD: 4 Discs


"Tell her that nothing happened. There was perfectly good reason why I was in bed with Jennie. I wandered into my bedroom through force of habit."
"Janet! There's a perfectly good reason why Jack was in bed with your sister."
"Oh Really?"
"Yeah, it was just a force of habit."

Review: Another good season. Not as many hilarious laugh-out-loud moments but every episode never fails to keep me smiling. The last two episodes are a couple of the best of the season. This is the Ropers' final season on the show.

"Wait a minute, Chrissy. You mean you would undress in front of strangers, but not in front of moi?"
"Right!"
"That doesn't make any sense."
"Of course it does. If they see me nude, it doesn't matter because I don't know them and they don't know me and I don't know who's seeing me and they don't know who they're seeing. BUT I know YOU and you know ME and I know who you'll be seeing and you know who you'll be seeing and both of them are me. See?"
"No, I don't see."
"And you're not going to either."

"I like where I live now. You know, it's beautifully furnished. It's..."
"Yeah, don't kid me. You're just thinking of Janet and Chrissy."
"As I said, it's beautifully furnished."
"Yeah, it's quite a set-up you got there."
"No, Larry, c'mon now. It's a beautiful, friendly, convenient living arrangement."
"So is a harem."

"You two have got to be gone when she gets here."
"Why?"
"Janet, weren't you listening to what I said in there? Debbie would not understand the three of us living together. She's an old fashioned girl."
"No, Jack, c'mon. The last time you went out with an old fashioned girl we had to stay at the Regal Beagle till you modernized her."

4 out of 5 Stars

TV: Three's Company - 2nd Season

DVD: 4 Discs


"Helen, I just wanted to prove to you that other woman found me attractive. And I proved it."
"Well, fine, go to her. See if I care. I hope you're happy."
"I don't want to be happy; I want to be with you."

Review: This second season keeps the laughs and lives up to the great but short first season.

"Will you put some clothes on? My wife's here!"
"Mind your own business, Stanley."
"What if the towel slips?"
"Mind your own business, Stanley."

"We can't afford it."
"I only have one word for you, Stanley."
"You be careful, Helen."
"CHEAP!"
"That's not so bad. I thought you were going to say something about my mother."

"Look, we both have a problem. The only difference is I am married to my problem."

"Chrissy, were you trying to steal Barry away from Janet?"
"OF COURSE NOT. You heard her. You heard her ask me to me nice to him and help entertain him."
"Do you recall that, Janet?"
"Well.......yes."
"And Chrissy, do you honestly think that after the friendship we three have shared, that Janet and I would even THINK of trying any hanky-panky together?"
"Well.......no."
-----
"That was the scary question."

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

TV: Three's Company - 1st Season

DVD: 1 Disc


"I wonder what game's going on up there."
"Oh, probably something delightfully kinky that only three can play."

Review: When I bought this I was hoping that I would be able to relive some great laughs I remembered having while watching this show a long time ago. I did! The fashions may have aged but the comedy is still funny.

"I'm hoping to open up a little restaurant for people who can really appreciate high prices."

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

Film: Shakespeare in Love (1998)

DVD: Enhanced 16x9


"Mr. Fennyman, allow me to explain about the theatre business. The natural condition is one of insurmountable obstacles on the road to imminent disaster."
"So what do we do?"
"Nothing. Strangely enough, it all turns out well."
"How?"
"I don't know. It's a mystery."

Review: This movie is so good, it actually made me care about Shakespeare for the first time. It has a great blend of comedy, satire, drama and romance. The writers and directors did a great job in perfectly blending all the parts into a story about how Shakespeare created and wrote 'Romeo and Juliet'.

"Is she obedient?"
"As any mule in Christendom - but if you are the man to ride her, there are rubies in the saddlebag."
"I like her!"

"You see - comedy. Love, and a bit with a dog. That's what they want."

5 out of 5 Stars

TV: Picket Fences - 1st Season

DVD: 6 Discs


"Greetings to Rome's finest. Douglas Wambaugh here to see the Sheriff."
"What do you want Doug?"
"Phil Banks had a bad ticker. They stuck him in a hot metal suit. There's got to be SOMEONE to sue."
"Get out."

Review: This show fluctuates between genius and just-average depending on the episode and the topic this first season. It's at it's best in the police station and in the courtroom, but the show struggles a bit when it concentrates on the family children's problems. The writers are excellent at balancing each side of an issue so the viewer really has to think. Ray Walston is excellent as Judge Bone and I love his interactions with the lawyer, Wambaugh. Tom Skerrit and Kathy Baker as great as well as the Town Sheriff and Doctor.

"It occurred to me how you and I don't talk like we used to. You know, why don't you sit here on my lap for a second like the old days. Come on."
"You called me down here to sit on your lap?"
"Get over here. Come on. Nothing's wrong. I just want to talk... You remember when you were little, and you'd sit on my lap and we'd talk about the clouds and how giraffes got long necks? Honey, are you sexually active?"

"The truth is, he probably would be a good administrator. More effective than you or me. I just have this feeling with Wambaugh the town would be a hell of a lot more efficient, but the people not quite so proud to live here."

"Kenny, you and I aren't bad-looking people. When you're having sex and there's nobody else there, do you ever think of me?"
"Do you ever think about me?"
"Maybe. A couple of times. When you were thinner. What about you? With me?"
"Once."
"Just once?"
"I don't commit"
"How was I?

"We're senior citizens, Miriam. All we're supposed to do is eat, sleep and watch TV together. We're not expected to notice one another."

"Oh, don't try to second-guess yourself, Jimmy. Everybody agrees with what you've said and done."
"Well, that either makes me more right or just more dangerous."

"Okay, Ginny, help me slide over to my desk."
"Why?"
"Because I've got a hostage-negotiation handbook right by my phone."
"Why didn't you read it before?"

"The warrantless search was unconstitutional, and everything that came after it, including the confession, is poisonous fruits and inadmissible. The case against Mr. Lebeck is dismissed without prejudice."
"How can you put him back on the street?"
"I'm following the law. What YOU did puts him back on the streets."

"Release him. Stealing a duck is a misdemeanor. You can't lock him up for that."
"He didn't just steal it. He chopped its head off and drained its blood. What do you call that?"
"If it was a turkey, I'd call it Thanksgiving."
"This is a Satanic cult, Jimmy. We have to shut them down."

"Your Honor, may I say that the people here are deeply moved and touched by your first ruling. I hope you don't blow it with the next one."
"The next one, Mr. Wambaugh, will be to hold you in contempt if you don't shut up."

4 out of 5 Stars

Film: Drugstore Cowboy (1989)

DVD: Enhanced 16x9


"You just put a 30 day hex on us, that's what you did. Our luck just flew out the window for the next thirty days."

Review: This is a well-told tale of drug addicts who support their habit by stealing them from drug stores and hospitals. Matt Dillon is good as the superstitious, but crafty leader who decides to go clean after he escapes from one last robbery that goes really bad.

"This just isn't like him. Bob's like a rabbit, in and out and no nonsense. That goes for a lot more than a hospital pharmacy."

"Most people don't know how they're gonna feel from one moment to the next. But a dope fiend has a pretty good idea. All you gotta do is look at the labels on the little bottles."

4 out of 5 Stars

Film: She's the One (1996)

DVD: Anamorphic - Double-Sided


"Look where your decency has gotten you. You are the only English-speaking white guy driving a cab in New York. That should tell you something."

Review: This is a good second movie by Edward Burns. It has excellent writing but suffers a bit from the poor acting by two of his co-stars that he brought along from his first breakout independent film. Nice loyalty, but still.

"Why are you getting so upset Dad? You don't even believe in God."
"That doesn't mean I'm going to stop being a good Catholic."

3 1/2 out of 5 Stars

Film: Death Proof (2007)

DVD: Enhanced 16x9


"Are you sure it's safe?"
"It's better than safe. It's death proof."

Review: This is Tarantino's 4th film and the second half of the Grindhouse double bill. I think he did an outstanding job with the car chases and Kurt Russell was excellent as Stuntman Mike, but a few of the actresses were not quite able to pull off the dialogue convincingly. The wham-bam finish makes up for the slow parts at the beginning of the film.

"Well, Pam... Which way you going, left or right?"
"Right!"
"Oh, that's too bad..."
"Why?"
"Because it was a fifty-fifty shot on whether you'd be going left or right. You see, we're both going left. You could have just as easily been going left, too. And if that was the case... It would have been a while before you started getting scared. But since you're going the other way, I'm afraid you're gonna have to start getting scared... immediately!"

4 out of 5 Stars

Film: Moonraker (1979)

DVD: Anamorphic


"Why are you so late, James?"
"I fell out of an airplane without a parachute. Who's in there?"
"Q and the Minister of Defense."
"You don't believe me, do you?"
"No."

Review: This was the very first James Bond film that I ever saw so it holds a special place as the standard to which all other Bond films I see are judged, for better or worse. Bond travels around the world trying to discover the reason behind the disappearance of a space shuttle. He searches through Venice and Brazil before launching into space to destroy a mad man's desire to eliminate life on Earth. Jaws returns.

"You know him?"
"Not socially. His name's Jaws, he kills people."

"At least I shall have the pleasure of putting you out of my misery."

4 out of 5 Stars

TV: 3rd Rock from the Sun - 5th Season

DVD: 4 Discs

Review: This is the last strong season with maybe a little too much William Shatner in 4 episodes. I enjoyed Tommy's relationship with Alissa all season. "Dial M for Dick", "Dick Puts the Id in Cupid" & "Dick and Harry Fall Down a Hole" are stand-out episodes.

Quotes:
"Hey, I read this crazy statistic in the paper this morning. Did you know that 70% of people our age are sexually active?"
"And 40% have inhaled solvents."
"Right, so ah, which crowd do you want to hang with?"
"Are you suggesting that we have sex?"
"Well... or inhale solvents. Really, it's up to you. I'm just trying to be a gentleman."

"Swap partners and smooch? Hey, Hey, Hey, wait a minute! Dick, why don't you go play this with Dr. Albright."
"Fine, but that's the last time I bring home a sexually explicit board game for this family."
"I hate that game."
"Wanna play Strip Parcheesi?"
"YOU'RE ON!"

"I'm not going to change this face. This face is a scrapbook dedicated to who I am, DAMN IT! MY GOD, I'M GORGEOUS!"
"No, you're not."
"SCREW YOU!"

"The first time I saw Mary undress I remember thinking, God I hope this skylight holds."

"I want to be a good human being."
"What's stopping you?"
"I don't know. You?"
"No."
"Me?"
"Good!"

"Sometimes, don't you just have to be naked?"
"I've got a girlfriend."
"I've got a boyfriend."
"We're going to have sex on Valentine's Day."
"No, we're going to have sex right now."
"I'm... I'm a virgin."
"I could educate you."
"I could use an education."
"Let's go."
"Okay! Alissa is going to be so happy about this."

"That's so sad. Have you ever thought about selling your story to Lifetime? You could call it, 'Fat, Fat Little Girl: The Mary Albright Story'."

"Alissa, I need to see you naked."
"I know, you wrote it in my yearbook."

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

TV: 3rd Rock from the Sun - 4th Season

DVD: 4 Discs


"Maybe it wasn't the best idea to throw Sally a surprise party."
"Tommy, maybe you'd like to lose your virginity without your family jumping out and yelling, but I know I would."

Review: This is the season that Mary becomes the Dean, Sally and Don take their relationship to the next level and Tommy gets a new girlfriend, the totally cute, Alissa. "Indecent Dick" and "Dick Solomon of the Indiana Solomons" were some of the hilarious episodes this season.

"Hey Dick, what's with all the Rusty burgers?"
"Uh well, I'm just, uh, preparing box lunches for the homeless."
"Why are you putting all the food in the trash?"
"It makes them more comfortable. Mary, you can be so insensitive."

"That's an old bar game, a love tester. It's been busted for years."
"What does it do?"
"Well, it tells you how good a lover you are."
"Ooo, how? Do you make love to it?"
"No, you just put your hand on it."
"And then after a couple of dates, you make love to it?"
"You just put a nickle into it."
"Wow, a nickel for all that lovin."

"I just don't see the difference. I mean, you tell me that this is meant for arousal and this is meant for aesthetic appreciation, but when I look at them... Well, this women washing her sports car, she does nothing for me. But this women with the apple and the snake... That's just hot."

"So were trying to get these fruit flies to mate, huh?"
"Yeah."
"Well that's kind of cold, isn't it? I mean they just met."
"What?"
"Can you imagine meeting someone for the first time and all of a sudden there's people trying to force you to mate? That's allot of pressure. I couldn't do it."
"Well, if my life span was only for like a day, I think I'd be okay with it."

"The first thing you got to remember, is that the women in these magazines, they always look surprised to see their boobs. Like they're seeing them for the first time."
"That is so sexy."
"So try to remember how it felt the first time you... saw your boobs. You know, like right after we landed on Earth. Go ahead."
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

"Ok people, your assignment is to discuss what gifts you'll be buying for me and seriously, try to top each other. Can you do that?"

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

TV: 3rd Rock from the Sun - 3rd Season

DVD: 4 Discs


"Women. You can't live with 'em and you can't have heterosexual sex without 'em."

Review: This season is great, I think it is better than season 2 but not as good as the 1st. "Eleven Angry Men and One Dick" is the best episode of the season. This is the season that August leaves Tommy, ending a very entertaining relationship.

"August, how could you do this to me?"
"Me, do this to you? What kind of boyfriend are you? You lust after a music teacher, you flirt with that sleazy Lorna."
"Okay, but in all fairness they both totally blew me off."

"Watcha writing?"
"My thoughts, how nobody understands me, how utterly lonely I am, and how much it hurts me that... I don't care."

"Your son is impossible."
"I completely agree."
"He doesn't get that girls mature faster and that women..."
"Blah, blah, blah. You made your point and I said I agree. NOW GET OUT!"

"I thought the two of you were over. Why do all men think once they plant the flag, they own the mountain?"
"I spent two years climbing that mountain, and I'm not about to let another man yodel on it."

"Speaking of women, I think you're incredibly hot. You know, we're not really brother and sister. It's all made up. Let's say we have a go at it... You, me and a stick of butter. What do you say?"

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

TV: 3rd Rock from the Sun - 2nd Season

DVD: 4 Discs


"What is wrong with her?"
"She's climbing the social ladder."
"The what? I'm sorry, Nina, I don't understand Ebonics."

Review: The 2nd season is great but it is lacking a little because Dick and Mary are a couple throughout the second season which lessons the comic dynamic between them from the 1st season.

"I give them happy faces on their mid-terms and this is how they repay me. That's it!! No more Mr. Nice Guy and no hug for you, Four-Eyes!"

"Whoa, look at that. The alien just put a probe in that guy's ear."
"Everybody knows you can't get a brain scan through the ear. You've got to go through the butt."

"Throughout history, human beings have persecuted the great agitators, Socrates, Galileo, and now Dick Solomon. Where would you be, without us, to provoke and enlightened you, to attach the electrodes of knowledge to the nipples of ignorance?"

4 1/2 out of 5 Stars

TV: 3rd Rock from the Sun - 1st Season

DVD: 4 Discs


Review: John Lithgow is my second favorite actor in a sitcom after Phil Hartman. He was a tour de force that made me laugh my ass off. When I saw previews for this show I thought it would be dumb but it hit the ball out of the park with the first pitch during the first season.

Quotes:
"Sally, I want you to observe her. Find out what women on this planet do."
"Well, why can't Harry do it?"
"Because you're the woman."
"That brings up a very good question. Why am I the woman?"
"Because you lost."

"A wedding?!"
"Yeah, a big reception."
"A ritual?"
"Very traditional, crying, dancing."
"And the female devours the male immediately after the ceremony?"
"No! That's a process that takes years and years."

"You know, the light of the moon is so wonderful. It shows me what you must have looked like so many years ago."
"That was... almost beautiful."

"Well, one of us has to experience sex and I am getting nowhere with her."
"Well, why didn't you say so? I mean if sex is so important, you and I can do it right here on the desk and get it out of the way."

"Tell me Dick, what kind of shampoo do you use?"
"I don't know."
"Exactly. And do you feel the urge to have an 8 pound screaming larva rip its way out of your lower abdomen?"
"No, I think I can do without that."
"See? Here you and I are completely different life forms and it's just some sick cosmic joke that we have to share a planet."

"Why, what happened?"
"Nothing! Destroy all the mirrors. NOW!"
"No, no, no, I've got to see...... Oh My God! I'm GORGEOUS!"

"Listen, I ran out because I was disappointed in you. I thought you were different than other guys."
"Oh, I am different. You have no idea how different I am."
"Well, you're not totally to blame because I know I send some really mature signals."
"Okay. I can deal with that. I can forget the physical stuff and just be completely intellectual... all the time."
"Well... I hope not ALL the time."
"Thank God, 'cause frankly I couldn't have done that."
"Look, it's not that complicated. Sometimes you go with the intellectual, sometimes you go with the physical, and sometimes just closeness is nice."
"Well, how will I know when to do what?"
"I'll decide that as we go along."

"It seems that some of the subtler principals of electron motion are beyond everyone's grasp. Be thankful it's just a grade. In most places, this kind of performance gets you a spanking that still burns when you're blown out the airlock."

"I have a plan."
"Remember we're not allowed to liquefy humans."
"Ok, I have another plan."

"Oh now just relax. You got to calm down."
"How can I calm down? I, I, I, I feel so utterly EXPOSED and VULNERABLE... and not in that fun, spanky way."

"You don't want me to be your dad anymore?"
"No."
"Good. Because I was this close to DROP KICKING YOUR SORRY BUTT FROM HERE TO THE OUTLET MALL!!!"

"I understand. You've had the milk, why buy the cow?"
"But I want you! I want the cow!"

5 out of 5 Stars

TV: Survivor - 1st Season

DVD: 4 Discs


Review: This is the show that started my love of reality shows. This season was the best because the contestants for the most part were still trying to figure out the game strategy.

Watching Richard Hatch manipulate his way to the million dollars was a joy to watch. Greg was entertaining to watch and Colleen was too cute.

The commentaries on the first and last episode are just great. Survivor fans need to hear these.

5 out of 5 Stars

Film: Thank You for Smoking (2005)

DVD: Anamorphic


"Dad, why is the American government the best government?"
"Because of our endless appeals system."

Review: This was the funniest movie of 2005. I laughed my ass off when I saw it in the theater. It is a great satire that targets political correctness. Aaron Eckhart was excellent as the slick-talking spokesman for Big Tobacco.

"My Mommy says smoking kills."
"Oh, is your Mommy a doctor?"
"No."
"A scientific researcher of some kind?"
"No."
"Well then, she's hardly a credible expert, is she?"

"Right there, looking into Joey's eyes, it all came back in a rush. Why I do what I do. Defending the defenseless, protecting the disenfranchised corporations that have been abandoned by their very own consumers: the logger, the sweatshop foreman, the oil driller, the land mine developer, the baby seal poacher..."
"Baby seal poacher? Even I think that's kind of cruel."

5 out of 5 Stars

TV: I Dream of Jeannie - 3rd Season (1967-1968)

DVD: 4 Discs


Review: This season is a mix of great episodes and some weak ones. The more I watch this show, the more I realize how much Dr. Bellows is the secret ingredient to the most humorous moments.

Quotes:
"What are you doing? I told you never to come to NASA. Never!"
"Oh, but it is important, Master. You said I could come if it was an emergency."
"What happened? What's the matter? What happened?"
"I got lonely."

"Welcome home, Master!"
"Jeannie, what are you doing?!"
"If you don't know, I must be doing it wrong."

"How long have we been married?"
"Married? Who said anything about being married?"
"We're not married and I live with you?"
"What's the matter with that?"
"What's the matter with that?! What kind of girl do you think I am?!"
"C'mon Jeannie, we know what type of girl you are. Now stop fooling around."
"That is exactly what I intend to do. Get Out!"

"I almost forgot. I brought you some flowers for your trip, Mrs. Nelson."
"Oh, how thoughtful."
"I hope they match your dress. I always..."
"How wonderful... oh, onions."
"Onions?"
"Scalions... How thoughtful."
"But I saw them put carnations in the box. I smelled the carnations."
"Did you?"
"Yes. Uh, excuse me. There's something about this house. I must be going... It's HAPPENING AGAIN!!!"

"Maybe she's just tired of you and wants a new master."
"What, what do you mean?"
"Well, you're not so easy to live with, you know."
"Who says so?"
"Well, all she wants to do is please you and what do you do?"
"What?"
"I mean, you yell at her, you never take her out to dinner, you're always leaving her at home. You take her for granted. You want to know something? You're a rotten master!"

"Very well then. If that is what he wants, THAT is what he is going to get. It is war!"

4 out of 5 Stars