"My mother caught me."
"Caught you? Doing what?"
"You know. I was alone..."
"So she's talking about her panties. So... aah... So I said, 'You mean the panties your mother laid out for you.'"
"The panties your mother laid out for you? What does that mean?"
"I don't know. It just popped out."
"Well, how did she react?"
"She flipped out. Just left."
"Well, that's not offensive. It's abnormal, but it's not offensive."
Review: This is the year Seinfeld went mainstream and there were so many great episodes. "The Contest" may be the single greatest episode in the entire series run. This is the first season that had a year-long plot with Jerry getting a sitcom deal with NBC.
"Please sit down. Could I offer you anything to drink? Coffee, anything?"
"Okay, yeah. I'll have a... Do you have a decaf cappuccino?"
"I don't think we have that."
"Well, that's a little strange."
"Why does that surprise you?"
"Well, it's a very popular drink."
"This is an office."
"That's true."
"So come on, you wanna go?"
"What about the sleeping arrangements... in the cabin?"
"Well... Same bed, and underwear and a T-shirt."
"What about me?"
"Well, you'd be naked, of course."
"I'm not married. I'm not allowed to go out with anybody else?"
"Depends."
"Depends on what?"
"On many factors."
"Like what?"
"Well, how long you've been seeing her. What's your phone-call frequency? Are you on a daily?"
"No. Semi-daily. Four, five times a week."
"What about Saturday nights, do you have to ask her out, or is the date implied?"
"Implied."
"She got anything in you medicine cabinet?"
"Might be some moisturizer."
"Ah-huh. Let me ask you this: Is there any Tampax in your house?"
"Yeaaah."
"Well, I'll tell you what you got here. You got yourself a girlfriend."
"Oh, no, no. WHAT? Are you sure, a GIRLFRIEND?"
"I'm looking at a guy in a semi-daily, with Tampax in his house and an implied date on Saturday night. I would like to help you out, but..."
"I am going over to her apartment and I'm telling her to put those shades down."
"Wait, wait, wait. What did you just say?"
"I can't take it anymore. She's driving me crazy. I can't sleep. I can't leave the house. I'm here, I'm climbing the walls. Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, I'm in this contest. Somethings gotta give."
"Do you hear what your saying? Can you hear it? This is a beautiful women walking around naked and you wanna tell her to stop? That's the dumbest thing I ever heard!"
"Who am I going to meet that's better than her? No one, Jerry. No one's better than her."
"When you were with her, you said you couldn't STAND her."
"I LOVE HER."
"You said going up the steps to her apartment was like being taken to a cell."
"I would give anything to be going UP those stairs again."
"Kramer goes to a fantasy camp. His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down $2,000 to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backward into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating. That's a fantasy camp."
5 out of 5 Stars
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