Film: Charlotte's Web (2006)

DVD: Enhanced 16x9


Review: I loved this book as a kid, reading it so many times that I practically knew it by heart. Normally that is a bad sign for the movie, but what is amazing about this live action adaption is how well it captures the story. I don't know what came over me, but it touched me so much that I found myself crying throughout the movie, even during the happy parts.

When I first heard about this movie, I was afraid they might have Dakota Fanning overwhelm the main focus between Wilbur and Charlotte, but she played the perfect supporting role.

Quotes:
"What are you doing?"
"Nothing, now go back to bed."
"You're not going to kill it, are you?"
"It's a runt."

"So you eat flies?"
"No... no, no. I drink their blood."

"Look at her! Don't you think she's a little... uh... what's the word? EW!"
"I think she's beautiful."

"I mean it was clear as day. T-E-R-R-I-F-I-C. I mean, can you believe a spider wrote that? I didn't learn how to spell that word until I was in the 10th grade!"

"Templeton, haven't you ever heard that good things come to those who wait?"
"No. Good things come to those who find it and shove it in their mouth!"

"No, my webs were no miracle, Wilbur. I was only describing what I saw. The miracle is you."

"Goodbye... my sweet, sweet Wilbur."
"Goodbye, Charlotte. I love you."

5 out of 5 Stars

Film: Get Smart (2008)

DVD: Enhanced 16x9


Review: A light fun movie that plays to Steve Carell's comedic strengths and Anne Hathaway brings the competence and sex appeal of Agent 99. I always enjoyed the 60's show and this movie did a good job bringing it to the silver screen. There is a strong supporting cast so there is never a dull moment.

Quotes:
"Max has no experience, and I don't want him as my partner."
"Well, that is a sucker punch to the gonads."

"If you don't follow the rules here, then what are we?"
"I'm telling you what we're not, we're not people who jam staples into other people's heads, that's CIA crap!"

"Inside there's a pill, if captured it will cause death in nine seconds."
"Great, but how exactly do I get them to take it? ... Not much of a laugher, are you?"

"Am I wearing boxers? For future reference, I usually prefer briefs for their security and peace of mind. Going free-bird is not exactly ideal. I don't like it."

"Are you staring at my butt?"
"No, no, I... I was, but I'm not... I'm staring again."

"Did you see anything while I was dancing?"
"Just once, but I don't think you expected him to lift you so high."

"How do I know you're not Control?"
"If I were Control, you'd already be dead."
"If you were Control, you'd already be dead."
"Neither of us is dead, so I am obviously not from Control."
"That actually makes sense."

"Well, you did your job, so I suppose I can't kill your wife. Although be honest, I'd be doing the sighted world a favor."

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"I don't know. If you're thinking, 'Holy shit! Holy shit! A swordfish almost went through my head!' If so, then yes."

4 out of 5 Stars

Film: Paul Blart: Mall Cop (2009)

DVD: Anamorphic


Review: This is a fun film about a lovable loser who saves his mall from a gang of thieves. This came out right around the same time as Seth Rogan's "Observe and Report" but it is much lighter and has less replay value than that brilliant black comedy about a more arrogant mall cop with delusions of grandeur.

Quotes:
"If you remember one thing from today, it's this: the mind is the only weapon that doesn't need a holster."

"What are you trained to do?"
"Nothing..."

"No one wins with a headbutt."

"Thank you sir, but I think I'm going to stick with what I do best. That's protecting the people of the West Orange Pavilion Mall."

3 1/2 out of 5 Stars

TV: Family Guy - Volume 5 (2006-2007)

DVD: 3 Discs (No episodes on 3rd Disc)


Review: Lots of classic moments in this collection.

Quotes:
"Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!"
"WHAT!"
"Hi."

"Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened?"
"I was raped."
"What?"
"Doctor Hartman violated me. He took my innocence."
"W-What?"
"Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age."
"You sound just like him!"

"I am gonna sue that bastard and make him pay out the ass. No ifs, ands or buts. I'm gonna be real anal about this... Sphincter."

"We now return to Showgirls..."
"Yeah!"
"...on TBS."
"Aww."

"Brian, spit on me... Yes, now tell me I'm scum."
"How's that going to help cool you off?"
"Huh?"

"Life's confusing when we grow up, isn't it, Brian? Hey, can we listen to my mix tape?"
"Yeah. Go ahead."
"Brian had sex...
With a really dumb girl...
Now he's taking his friend Stewie...
To get some ice cream...
In his car..."

"I'll be more convincing than Mel Gibson when he apologized to the Jews."
"I'm really, really sorry about your big noses. I'm really sorry about how greedy you are. But most of all I'm really sorry about you dirty, underhanded, backstabbing ways. Your number one dirty Jew fan, Mel Gibson."

"Well, you wanna know what I learned this week? Being a grown-up sucks. Women, Brian, what a royal pain in the ass. It's like, it's like why can't you just hang out with guys, you know, just live with someone of your own sex, just do what you do with women, but with your buddy. You know what, why don't guys just do that?"
"They do. It's called being gay.
"Oh, is that what gay is? Oh, yeah. I could totally get into that."

"You ever just let your balls hang out, B-Ri? You ever do that, B-roni? Drove my Chevy to the levy, but the levy was Bri?"

"There is no Peter, there is only Zuul!"

"Oh squiggly line in my eye fluid, squiggly line that lies in the parenthesis of my eye, when I look at you, you squirm away. Are you shy, squiggly line? Only when I ignore you, you return. Its okay, squiggly line, you are forgiven."

"Hey, pass over some of that Cool wHip."
"What?"
"Well, you put Cool wHip on pie."
"It's Cool Whip."
"That's what I said, Cool wHip."
"Cool Whip."
"Cool wHip."
"Cool Whip."
"Cool wHip."
"Why are you putting so much emphasis on the H?"
"What are you talking about? I'm just saying Cool wHip."
"Say whip."
"Whip."
"Now say Cool Whip."
"Cool wHip."
"Cool Whip!"
"Cool wHip."
"Cool Whip!"
"Cool wHip."

"Why are you naked in my house?"
"Uh... why aren't you?"
"You're all right, Griffin."

"Come on, discipline me! Make me wear panties, rub dirt in my eye, violate me with a wine bottle... My God, I really do have problems, don't I?"

5 out of 5 Stars

Film: Idiocracy (2006)

DVD: Anamorphic


Review: An extremely funny cautionary tale about our consumerist culture and the future of human evolution. Luke Wilson is perfect as the befuddled Average Joe who is frozen and wakes up in the future to find himself to be the smartest man left alive on the planet.

Quotes:
"Why me? Every time Metsler says, 'Lead, follow, or get out of the way,' I get out of the way."
"Yeah, when he says that, you're not supposed to choose 'get out of the way.' It's supposed to embarrass you into leading - or at least following."
"That doesn't embarrass me."

"The years passed, mankind became stupider at a frightening rate. Some had high hopes that genetic engineering would correct this trend in evolution, but sadly the greatest minds and resources were focused on conquering hair loss and prolonging erections."

"Unaware of what year it was, Joe wandered the streets desperate for help. But the English language had deteriorated into a hybrid of hillbilly, valleygirl, inner-city slang and various grunts. Joe was able to understand them, but when he spoke in an ordinary voice he sounded pompous and faggy to them."

"Welcome to the Healthmaster Inferno, powered by Jormi Technology."
"Next... Uh, this goes in your mouth. This one goes in your ear. And this one goes in your butt."
"Hurry up, Asshole! Come on!"
[Beeping]
"Shit. Hang on a second. This one... No, uh... this one goes in your mouth."

"Welcome to Carl's Jr. Would you like to try our EXTRA BIG ASS TACO? Now with more MOLECULES! Carl's Jr... Fuck You, I'm Eating."

"Now I understand everyone's shit's emotional right now. But I've got a 3 point plan that's going to fix EVERYTHING."
"Break it down, Camacho!"
"Number 1: We've got this guy, 'Not Sure'. Number 2: He's got a higher IQ than ANY MAN ALIVE. And Number 3: He's going to fix EVERYTHING."

"It started off boring and slow with 'Not Sure' trying to bullshit everyone with a bunch of smart talk: 'Blah blah blah. You gotta believe me!' That part of the trial sucked! But then the Chief J. just went off. He said, 'Man, whatever! The guy's guilty as shit! We all know that.' And he sentenced his ass to one night of rehabilitation."

"Today I step into the shoes of a great man, a man by the name of Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho. You know, there was a time in this country when smart people were considered cool. Well, maybe not cool, but smart people did things... like build ships and pyramids, and they even went to the moon. And there was time in this country, a long time ago, when reading wasn't just for fags and neither was writing. People wrote books and movies, movies that had stories so you cared whose... ass... it... was... and why... it was... farting And I believe that time can come again!"

5 out of 5 Stars

Film: Three Amigos (1986)

Blu-Ray


Review: A classic funny film with lines that are quotable forever.

Quotes:
"We don't have beer. Just tequila."
"What's tequila?"
"Uh, it's like beer."

"Wherever there is injustice, you will find us. Wherever there is suffering, we'll be there! Tell us we will die like dogs."
"What?"
"Tell us we will die like dogs."
"You WILL die like dogs."
"No! We will not die like dogs! We will fight like lions! Because we are... The Three Amigos!"

"I like these guys! They are funny guys! Just kill one of them."

"Wait a second. Let me see that! Come on, come on, come on. Oh great! Real Bullets! I'll keep this. You're in a lot of trouble mister!"

"It's real."
"What?"
"Uh, this is real."
"You mean..."
"Yes, they're going to kill us."

"Jefe, you do not understand women. You cannot force open the petals of a flower. When the flower is ready, it opens itself up to you."
"So when do you think Carmen will 'open up her flower' to you?"
"Tonight, or I will kill her!"

"Carmen, tonight you are to be El Guapo's woman. I am going to give you some hints about lovemaking with El Guapo."
"I would rather die first!"
"Tell me, Carmen, do you know what foreplay is?"
"No..."
"Good! Neither does El Guapo."

"I have put many beautiful pinatas in the storeroom, each of them filled with little suprises."
"Many pinatas?"
"Oh yes, many!"
"Would you say I have a plethora of pinatas?"
"A what?"
"A plethora.
"Oh yes, you have a plethora."
"Jefe, what is a plethora?"
"Why, El Guapo?"
"Well, you told me I have a plethora. And I just would like to know if you know what a plethora is. I would not like to think that a person would tell someone he has a plethora, and then find out that that person has NO IDEA what it means to have a plethora."
"Forgive me, El Guapo. I know that I, Jefe, do not have your superior intellect and education. But could it be that once again, you are angry at something else, and are looking to take it out on me?"

"Carlos! We fought together the priests of this mission."
"YEAH!!!"
"Pedro, we CRUSHED the Federales on the plains of Oaxaca!"
"YEAH!!!"
"And you..."
"Jose!"
"JOSE!!!!"
"Together, we..."
"Burned the village!"
"Burned the village! And, uh..."
"Raped the horses!"
"YEAH!!!"
"And we..."
"Rode off on the women!"
"Rode off on the women!"
"Yeah!!!"
"And uh..."
"We plundered!"
"YEAH!!!"
"Plundered! And uh..."
"Pruned!"
"...pruned the, uh..."
"The hedges."
"...hedges..."
"of many small villages!"
"Of many small villages... WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!!!"

"In a way, all of us has an 'El Guapo' to face someday. For some, shyness might be their 'El Guapo'. For others, a lack of education might be their 'El Guapo'. For us, 'El Guapo' is a big, dangerous guy who wants to kill us. But as sure as my name is Lucky Day, the people of Santo Poco can conquer their own personal El Guapo who also happens to be the actual El Guapo."

5 out of 5 Stars